So I have wanted to write this letter to you for the past 9 years. I chose not to for fear of you cutting me out of your life. Seeing as how that has happened anyways, I feel I have nothing to lose in writing it now.
I am mad...mostly at you but a little at myself for being so adamant of having you in my life. You have not been a father to me; at least not in the sense I needed you to be. A father is supposed to be emotionally involved, loving, patient and protective. You have always been distant, uncaring, exasperated. When I would see the way my friends' fathers took an interest in them, was patient with them...I always thought it was weird-abnormal even. My dad never did those things. Rather than spending time with our dad while Mom had a much needed day out with friends, we were sent to our rooms. Out of sight out of mind right? Telling us we can wait til Mom got home to eat. It was like our existence didn't matter to you. For 13 years you made my brother feel like that...ignored him, like he didn't even exist. And you and that "family" of yours are all dumbfounded as to why existence doesn't matter to him?
Then there was the whole fact of how selfish you were when you decided you didn't want to be a part of our family anymore. Not that you COULDN'T...you didn't WANT to. It takes two to fight but only one to ruin a marriage. You had it all..family who loved you, a nice house, a good job. And for some reason you gave all that up for someone who used you to get to the top. But you probably expected it to go a little differently, didn't you? Due to the fact that your own father had an affair on your mother and she was so insecure that she felt that she couldn't live without him so she tells her young impressionable sons that he is still a good man and she stayed with him!
You tell me over and over again that I don't know the whole story. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it's not hard to figure out. Your mother probably played out all her insecurities on you and your brothers. "Girls won't like you if you have acne all over your face." Believe me I know what that is all about. From the age of 9 years old until I was 16 I heard all about what was wrong with my; my complexion, boys don't like fat girls. But you probably figured my mother was like yours...weak and insecure. What kind of role model would my mother be if she was to let you do all that and keep you around? We see the results of your mother's decision.
To any outsider you seem like a great person. You are well molded as a conversationalist. There's another term for that...PLAYER. You are a master manipulator and have everyone fooled into thinking how great you are. How nice you are. But you can only keep up the charade for a short period of time. for the first two years after you left I kept trying...you would see me once a week; then after awhile it was once a month, then it got to once every three months. If you are such a great dad then why didn't you know I was out of the province for 7 months?!?!? If you cared in the slightest bit you would have known.
You have a granddaughter...but I highly doubt you will ever meet her. I cannot expose her to the selfishness and harsh ways of your family. She is perfect in every way and I could not live with myself if I ever tainted her with the cruel dark ways of the family. Family is supposed to be there for everyone, and not hold grudges. But I guess that doesn't matter when you and yours hold all the cards.
Getting this out although I would never send it makes me feel free. I feel happy and at peace with myself and will be able to move on from everything bad in my life.
Regards.
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