2012 Goals

Alas I am writing on the last day of 2011 and I am about to put down all my goals and aspirations that I have for the upcoming year. Hopefully by this time next year I will be able to blog and say that I have accomplished quite a few of the goals I am about to set for myself.

Here we go:

1.  My first goal is to lose 60lbs in 8 months. I am probably sitting at the weight of 200-215 so I would like to be about 155 by the time I am stepping into the career world. I will be joining the Y gym and going to exercise three times a week. {Monday, Wednesday, and Friday}
2. My second goal is to pass my course with a minimum of 95%. I know this will take dedication, hard work and studying but I know I can do it.
3. My third goal is to get my driver's license. By writing my G1 in January and doing driving school I should be able to drive by the time I graduate.
4. My fourth goal is to blog at least three times a week. I love writing, it is definitely my outlet and I know how people are addicted to it.

There's no place like home

So one of the benefits of having a cocktail of meds to keep me sane is the fact that I am more willing to do things around the house. Things like cleaning, organizing, redecorating.  It had really irritated me the layout of my apartment, I didn't like how some of the space wasn't being utilized to the full so I decided to do a little shifting of furniture before my hubby came home and see how I could improve.

Before I redecorated the couches were far apart and there was a lot of wasted space. I moved the one couch up close to the tv area and made a huge space in the back corner of my living room for all of Willow's bigger toys.

sitting area. (ignore the mess Willow was playing)

So behind the couches, I put all her big toys and the wooden hutch that holds all her toys and movies etc, so that they remain contained and out of the way.

So that left my computer/dining room area free from all the little kid toys and stroller and looks rather decent...it's not perfectly the way I want it yet but it'll do for now. Once it's the way I want it to be I will post a pic.

I cannot wait to move into a two bedroom. That way all of Willow's toys will be placed in her bedroom and my living room can be just that...a living room! :D

I put the HOT in Psychotic

So on the 21st of this month I saw my doctor for a follow up visit to discuss how well the meds I am on are working. The day I went to see him the weather was dreary and grey, as was my mood. I felt blucky and depressed. The previous days that week I had many episodes of hyperness, sleeping maybe 7 hours over a span of 72 hours. when I told my doctor this he informed me that I may be bipolar. He prescribed me with a mood stabilizer. (Also, as I would later find out were known as anti-psychotics) He also sent a referral out to see a psychiatrist as an outpatient at the hospital.

To be honest, I feel like I am a nutcase. I mean when you have the term "antipsychotic" when referencing a medication that you now have to take, it's almost like you feel like you are abnormal. Broken. Damaged. But when I picked up my meds on Monday and started taking them, well I have to admit a lot of things are better. For one, I feel like cleaning and cooking. And being all I can be to my hubby and daughter.

I sleep. The first night I took it at 10pm, and I slept right through til 3:30pm the next day. My body was absolutely exhausted and I couldn't open my eyes even if I wanted to. But the night after that I took it at 9 and slept til 5 and then laid in bed til my daughter woke up at 7:45.

Last night I cleaned up the living room. I did the kitty litter. I made an amazing chicken dinner. I felt content. I felt...happy to a degree. I know I am not cured. I know I won't be cured for a very long time. It is a long road to recovery from here. But to be motivated to do something other than sit on the couch and watch tv after Willow goes to sleep is a big change.

There are times it is very dark in my world. But I have a great support group, I have amazing family and friends. As long as I believe in myself and they believe in me, everything should be good to go.

Not so Silent Night

Alas, I have something to write about as my Christmas day was not quiet and boring in the least. Ok, so my friend came over and she was upset. Her sister didn't make any time for just her on her birthday, (yes she is unfortunate enough to have the same birthdate as Christmas) and so I suggested we go for a ride in her car. We do random drives on a regular basis. I thought it would take her mind off her sadness and maybe, just maybe, we could go to the local 7-11 and get a slurpee.

So we took off, heading eastward and just talking, shooting the shit, making up wildly amazing stories that only her and I would understand. We just...work that way y'know? Whenever I would look in the side view mirrors I would see how pitch black it really was as when I looked forward her high beams were on and lighting up the path in front of us. It was scary, it was exhilarating, it was the darkest of dark out at 5:30pm we seriously thought time was off and it should have been after 12 midnight.

We reached a point where we decided to turn around and go back home. She turned into a driveway and turned the car around perfectly. And we took the exact same route home. But at one point the road had turned into two lanes. Now, my friend is not the brightest of drivers so by the time she realized it she was straddling two lanes. And as she was picking the lane to drive in, this huge black truck {who had NO HEADLIGHTS ON} came zooming up alongside just as she decided to merge into that lane. I saw it, a few seconds too late and I braced myself for impact as she hit the back of his truck with the driver side of her car.

Let me tell you I almost peed my pants after when I saw this big lug of a guy get out of his car and head towards us. {Like in the movie Better off Dead when the burger joint place guy comes after John Cusack and tries to pull him outta the car.} And he said to my friend, "you sure picked a good time and place to do this didn't ya?" Um, excuse me sir...where were your headlights??!!? But we were both too shaken up to realize this. So they exchanged information and he went on his merry way.

But as a result I got bad whiplash and my muscles were so sore for about two days afterwards. I felt so bad for Becky though. She was close to tears but kept composed. I don't think I have ever seen her cry before Sunday. She is a trooper and cries privately when she is alone. But I know she is comfortable enough around me to know I would never make her feel embarrassed to show emotion.

I am a little nervous about getting in the car with her. We have had many near misses and that night made me realize the possibilities that could happen if I get in the car with her again. *GULP*

Things I am Thankful for...

As I woke up this morning to the sound of my daughter yelling at her dad, I realized that I have a lot to be thankful for. Although 2011 wasn't the best year for me, (at least not until Septemberish) I have a lot in my life. I have a beautiful, healthy, baby girl. I have a husband who most of the time is the best man a girl could ask for. {He has his moments, but who doesn't?}

I have my health, for the most part I am quite healthy and able to function for day to day living. I have my mom and my brother who I am really close to. They are my rocks when I am weak and they are there for us whenever I need them to be, as well as vice versa. I see how great being a family unit can be and I am so thankful for them.

I have a few handfuls of great friends, I have a bunch of acquaintances, and I have people who I say hello to once every 6 months or so. But the people I surround myself with are upbuilding, encouraging and love me for me.

Currently I was accepted and am doing well in college. I am thankful for this opportunity to do well for my family. It has helped so much in my life, it has made my husband proud of me as well as made him think about what he can do for himself and his future. It's a wonderful feeling and to see him get encouraged to do something to reach his potential makes my heart swell with pride.

2011 was a lousy year. But thanks to faith in God, a lot of love and help from friends, family and of course my husband and daughter, I am quite certain that 2012 will be one heck of a year!

The Spirit of...?

Alright, so call me Scrooge but I have a bone to pick with Christmas.

To be honest, I hate Christmas. The pretense of it all, the whole commercialization behind it. The selfish greedy attitudes of all the children from the age of 5 and up. But in reality as parents they prep their kids for it from age 1-4 and then by the time the child is expecting something and throwing the fit of the year when they don't get it they stand there and scratch their heads wondering...'Where is this all coming from?'

I was having a conversation with one of my friends earlier today, and she was saying how she can't wait til her Christmas is over. She was angry, at how selfish people are and how stupid Christmas is. She said everyone is so bitter and angry, and it's true! I honestly think although people claim to love Christmas there are those out there that absolutely dread it. The rush at the malls, the crowds, the empty pocketbooks by the time January comes along. It's insane! And I was talking to a Walmart employee the other day and I asked her how busy it had been the week before Christmas. And she told me that up until the 23rd it had been dead. People seriously are sick waiting for the rush of last minute shopping. Why not shop starting in August and put stuff away for December? Not only will your credit card statements thank you but you won't have the stress of last minute things. That way too, by the time stuff comes out in November/December you only have those few things to get for people.

Yes I think it is a horrible holiday. The "spirit of Christmas" or what people to believe to be the spirit of Christmas is definitely not a baby in a manger. Sure you have the die hard religious people who believe it to be so, but that story has been choked out by the latest gadgets and the most presents one can accumulate. Also, if you really take it apart and analyze the whole birth of Jesus story, if His birthday was on December 25th, the sheep would have been inside for the winter. In the story, the shepherds were out in the field with their sheep, the night was clear and Joseph and Mary took the trek from Nazareth to Bethlehem on a donkey. It would have been difficult for the animal to make that journey in the wintertime. Also, there is nowhere in the Bible that Jesus says celebrate my birthday. The only event He said to commemorate is his death.So why are there all these holes from these people who celebrate Christmas because it is apparently Jesus' birthday?

Yes, my post may be a touchy one. But it is simply my opinion and if you don't like it...don't read it!

Letter to my Father in Law

*Before I begin, a little bit of background story on my FIL~ he has been in jail since 2008. A former alcoholic, he would black out and be violent. Well he took the last episode a little too far and was finally put in jail, forced to become sober and has been for 3 years. He wrote us a letter, asking us to get in touch with him if we want to and the following is what I would want to say to him.*

Dear Dave,

It sure has been awhile since we have heard from you. To be honest I was quite worried about your wellbeing with you being in jail and all. But I am glad to hear you are doing okay. 3 years sober is quite the accomplishment...you can't imagine how proud of you I am. I know Anthony is too but I am not sure if he is ready to acknowledge it yet. He has been hurt pretty badly in his life and understandably there is a lot more than mere words that is needed to prove to him that things are different. Not sure if he will come around or not, maybe not now but down the line perhaps he will. Time definitely heals all wounds just the amount of time is not always certain. 

A lot has gone on since you last were in touch with us. Anthony and I have become parents to a beautiful little girl. We named her Willow Abigail Marie Dutchak. She was born on October 18,2010 and she is currently 14 months old. Anthony is absolutely smitten with her and he is the best father this little girl could ever ask for. He took 9 months of parental leave to take care of his daughter. He cried when she was born. Our marriage is so strong now and we have overcome so much in the short year and a bit of our child's life it's absolutely amazing. I can only accredit it all to the grace of God, who has really blessed our family.

Right now I am currently in school for medical office assistant. I am hoping to get into transcription for doctors, and within five years be a stay at home mom with my children. Yes, I want another baby in the future. Anthony is unsure, but I believe he will be fine within a couple of years to have another child. Anthony has aspirations to go to school within the next 3 years or so, once I am done and established in a job and he will be able to go down to part time at work and do his studies.

We don't currently have a landline to accept phone calls from. So writing will probably be the best way to communicate with you. At least for the time being. I hope you are well and hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

Brittany

I love being a mom

My child is now 14 months old. And she has come so far in her short life. She is walking...she is saying words, she is becoming more and more cuddly and loving. (Kisses and hugs by the dozen.) I know that as she heads into her second year there will be new challenges and it will get a bit more difficult, but then again maybe not. I am being realistic, I know she will have her moments, moments where I won't want to be a mom due to how frustrated she makes me, and her little fits will come as well.

Some of her words right now include Mom, Daddy, kitty, bath, "there it is", and my favorite "thanks." (Yes my child has picked up on the fact that whenever I take something or she hands me something I say thanks. And she has done it every time I give her a bottle or something else that she likes. Sooo cute!)

When my mom comes over, it's like magic. My daughter was over playing with her toys one evening when my mom came home with me to see her before picking up my brother from work. When Willow saw me, she started babbling and showing me how she was playing with her toys. But when she saw my mom, she shrieked "HI NANA" and scrambled over and practically begged my mom to pick her up.

I have enjoyed so much the past year of her life and as she gets older and more interactive with DH and I, it's absolutely wonderful. She is a character, putting in her little "mhmm" when she wants her opinions heard.

It may soon be time to start trying for another one but for right now the little monkey we have just makes our world complete and our hearts full of joy!

Winter Break

Well I definitely have not been blogging as much as I would like to but I have to admit life is so awesome that I don't even mind!!!

Ok, so I started school on December 5th, and that is a funny story because I wanted to take the Medical Transcriptionist course and unfortunately my school had cancelled that program altogether. So although I was disappointed, I decided to take my second choice which was Medical Office Assistant. (MOA from here on out) Of course I didn't have the 11,000 dollars that was needed to pay for tuition and books and such. So I applied for government funding and was able to sit in on the class as my application was processed. It took about 5 days but I was then approved for a loan of 23,000 dollars and if I complete the course successfully I only have to pay 7,300 of it back.

Yeah, it is amazing. And so far, in my anatomy course...my midterm exam was on Friday and I am sitting on a 98% average! I am so proud of myself as it has been just over a decade since I have been in school and I was not applying myself as well as I should have. So to have these marks on top of being a mom and a wife and so on makes me feel awesome.

Currently, I  am on my 2 week break and so I am taking the time to relax, get some housework and organization done in my apartment and just enjoy being a mom. 2012 is going to be my year and I cannot wait to be in my career!

Unemployment!

Alas, I am currently unemployed. However, I am also loving it. I am going to be a stay at home mom {er...well sort of but I will get to that in a minute.} But I have been go go go for the past three years. I was extremely busy throughout my entire pregnancy, working, stressing about how on earth we were going to afford the little bundle of joy whose day of arrival was fast approaching. 


Due to our lack of inexperience, our naiivety to saving and being resourceful, as well as the fact that we had not accepted that our lives were about to change in a very big way, we didn't have very much money saved up for after I gave birth. So when an opportunity arose 2 months after my DD was born, well it was back to work I went. And then DH went on parental leave so I was left working through my daughter's first year. Which, granted I didn't mind. But as the year went on and from one position to the next without anything substantial...or even any money, and with the whole thing that happened with the pervert at the one job that seemed to get me anywhere, my anxiety got worse. My depression was slowly tumbling into a one woman wrecking crew. Hey, did I want a divorce? I was THIS CLOSE to getting one. 


It took me getting suspended from the government job I loved the year before for my eyes to be opened. I needed a change and fast or my life as I knew it was going to end up in the toilet. So now, 3 months {really? is that all it's been?} after starting the anti anxiety meds I was on...I am finally not stressed out about every little thing. I am not applying for 70 to 80 jobs A DAY. {Sick right? This girl needs help...I know that's what everyone thought.} I could not be poor. I could not allow my child to feel the effects of Mommy and Daddy not having any money.


So, now that I am not working, what did I do to ensure the above didn't happen? Well I started being smart with our money. DH went back to work in October and since then, I have made sure the cupboards are full with plenty of easy (and cheap) meal ideas for him to take to lunch...hearty food to make sure he was satisfied through his entire shift. Before he took his time off I was too preoccupied with not knowing how I was feeling to care so I would let him buy lunch at work. 200 dollars a month on him eating out ON TOP of all the bills, groceries etc.
So where was I...oh yes! Stocking up when deals are on, (lately it's been a 1, 2, 3 dollar sale at one of the local grocery stores that has been a LIFESAVER.) We do not eat out as much, probably once a week or every two weeks rather than 4 times a week.


Also, open communication, as well as putting any surplus money aside...I have just over 400 dollars to get us through on top of DH's paycheques. We are now working as a team and we are able to get farther than not talking or communicating at all. Also, with being medicated I have more energy to cook, I plan grocery lists now...all ways around things are going well. 


So being unemployed for the time being is ok...as long as I have a safety net and have planned ahead..which I have.