Family Untied.

Today's post, is a sad post. I am about to tell a story that I am not necessarily proud of but it's got a sad ending.

About two months ago, I started talking to my estranged father. I have written posts about such things as we have seen each other and he's been good to Willow and we went to a family get together and whatnot. Well what I didn't write about was how I didn't tell my mother that I was speaking to him again...let alone allowing my daughter to see him and the rest of the family.

About 3 weeks ago, I went to Cedar Park with my dad...I have written about this. But what I didn't write about was how I had told my mom that I was going with a friend and her godson. I needed a story in order to get my car seat from her because my mother doesn't allow things without knowing the details. Why I didn't just make an adult decision and tell her the truth {because I hate lying and being labelled a liar} is beyond me. I think I have tried to justify it with not being able to handle her being mad at me, and I also wanted to try out a thing with my family...test the waters as it were. It was wrong and I have paid for it.

Thursday of last week my mother showed up and dropped off her dogs as I was watching them for her. She then turned to me and asked me if I had been in contact with my father. I figured there is no other way of telling her but the truth. I said yes I had for a couple of months. Did he see Willow? Yes he has. And she kept asking me why didn't I tell her...and when I told her I was not mentally up for her reaction she told me I cannot use it as a crutch. I got angry and told her to get the fuck out of my house. She left angrily and I had not talked to her until this morning. I was trying to get a hold of her to make sure she was still looking after Willow while we move tomorrow. And then I asked her who she spoke to that told her I was speaking to my dad...and it led to her saying she will see Willow but she doesn't want to see me. She hopes what I did was worth it...and would I have kicked her out of my house if I didn't have my family to fall back on? Meanwhile I don't have my family to fall back on...it's not like that. She pissed me off by saying I was using my mental illness as a crutch. That is why I kicked her out of my house.

So right now I will be waiting it out. Hopefully she will come around. If not, well she went 4 years without talking to her mom. Guess I may be doing the same.

Two days left

2 days. We move in two days! And where do I find myself? Watching episodes of Life Unexpected on my laptop while Treehouse plays in the background. Lol. In all honesty I have not very much left to do around here. I am planning on packing and cleaning once the little one is down for a nap.

I cannot believe in a matter of 48 hours we will have been moved into our new home. There were many memories made in my one bedroom...from conceiving our daughter, to housing my sister in law and breaking couches..don't ask. I have had westerners living with me for a week and we managed not to kill each other. This one bedroom apartment has seen a lot of good times and a lot of bad. But it has been a home. And it has housed a lot of love.

I think part of me is a little sad to leave this place...and it's probably why I have procrastinated in upgrading for so long. But I know that once we are in the new unit downstairs we will be happier that Willow has her own room and there is more room for our stuff. Now all we need is the move to go as smoothly as it will on Tuesday and everything will be great!

It's really happening!

We are down to 4 days till we move {3 and the 4th one is moving day.} and today hubby and I were cleaning. {Ok, so he cleaned a lot more than I did and I mostly supervised.} He was scrubbing the walls and the bathroom is the best it has looked in a long time. I am so glad to have him to help me through this stressful time. I am so stressed it's not even funny. Usually when I go to Walmart with my friend I am filling the cart...today I was like eh, why bother?

I cannot believe we will be in another unit...and with more room and the baby will not be sleeping in my bedroom anymore...she will have her own room. I am a little saddened but once I have my own room and my marriage will be more personal and private I am sure I will adjust just fine.

On Monday we have a building wide inspection....meaning they come into every unit and check the smoke alarms..I know it's mandatory but a part of me still thinks that it is partly to make sure we cleaned the place to the max. Which we have....er...my hubby has.

Cannot wait to move! I know most of my posts have been leading up to the move but hopefully it conveys my excitement and happiness to be moving up a bedroom...and for only 13 more dollars a month! Can't beat that!

Down to the Wire.

So it's down to the wire and we are moving in a matter of 5 and a half days. I am stressed beyond belief because it seems like nothing is getting done no matter how much work I end up doing in a day. I feel like we have so much stuff and it's not getting packed...but in reality a lot has been done. We are moving an entire 4 years...no 5 if you count the boxes that came with us when we moved in 2008.

I feel like there is no one helping me...and that is not a slight towards my husband...I get it he is working and all but I feel mediocre at best and so the minimal I can do feels like I am not doing anything at all.

Moving sucks balls big time and trying to do it with a toddler is next to impossible. I also went to book the elevator with the male superintendent and it almost seemed like he didn't want to book it for me...yet they want me out by midnight on the 31. UGH!

Ah well. Only a few days left and we will be in our new place. Can't freaking wait.

Stockpiling

So it's about a week and a half till we move to our two bedroom...and I have a problem...I am stocking up for the apocalypse new place. I am worried that I will be waiting for my disability longer than August and we will be penny pinching for a month or two. I have crunched the numbers and made a budget for us...but I have to be strict. And that means no eating takeout for a bit. I want to make sure that we are good until my disability kicks in...I may get it for August but I may not get it till October. I am preparing for October and just ensuring that rent is paid and we have some groceries in the cupboards. I believe that my family will think I am insane once they see the boxes of food and the fact that my cupboards will be full of canned goods.

In other news...

Packing is coming along great and I am slowly getting the house in the order it should be. Which makes me happy. I am so glad I am not doing this by the seat of my pants. I am tired yes. But at the end of all this there will be a new two bedroom apartment and more room in the long run. 

I can't wait to move!

Pool Adventures and Sun Burns.

So on Saturday we went to Cedar Park. And who is "we?" Well, I went with Willow and my father and the entire aunts and uncles were there minus one. What is Cedar Park? It's a place to go for cheap to play in the water. It has mini putt, a snack bar, a full size pool and then a few splash pads and a playground within a wading pool. There was a pool there only about 10 inches deep and Willow absolutely loved sitting and splashing in the water. She had such a wonderful time there...except if I was ever out of her sight...she didn't want to be around any family members alone. {Not that I blame her it was the first time she had met most of them.}

It was so awesome being back at a family get together...everyone was nice and talked to me like I am an adult. They all loved Willow, they made me feel like such a proud mama when they commented on how well-behaved she was and how good she is. It was definitely one of my best days so far this summer.

fear of change

So I am sitting here looking around my one bedroom apartment and I realize that in a matter of two weeks I will be in a different apartment and no longer here.

I don't like change. not one bit.

I'm scared shitless of everything that can go wrong.

but I can't live in fear forever right?

countdown to moving day

I am 20 days from my moving date...and I am not nearly packed. Lol. I have quite a bit packed but it seems like I take one step forward 1500 steps back. {So pretty much nothing is done. LOL} That`s not entirely true I have 6 boxes packed. Why must moving be such a chore? Ugh. And then I have a toddler who goes through the boxes and tears through my house like an F5 tornado and it doesn't get any better.

Some days I am so frustrated that I just want to throw everything in a dumpster and start over but then I think of the cost of furniture and I think um no thanks. LOL. But it truly is not good for someone with the mental disability I have to stress over moving. So I am not moving for a good long time once we are in the new apartment. I don't care if another baby comes along...we will make it work.

Which is another thing in itself...do I want another child? Or am I satisfied with the one we have right now? Like I mean I would love it if Willow had a sibling...but can I handle another one? Will I get post partum depression? {probably not if I go right back on my meds after having the baby...but you never know.} Anthony doesn't want another child but is not completely opposed if it were to happen. Am I wrong for being a little bit excited and maybe trying to plan another baby? I mean if it takes another three years to get another baby I don't know if I am up for that. By that time Willow will be 5 and I will be done with the baby phase. Sigh. Who knows what the future holds...anyways I better get back to packing!

Motherhood.

When someone tells me that I am a lazy person based on the fact that my house is in a state of disarray I want to seriously bitch slap them. I have one of the most challenging and at the same time most rewarding jobs in the world. I am Mommy. I am there for the most part of the day keeping up with an incredibly bright and incredibly busy toddler. I am there taking her out on outings and being there to make sure she is fed.

I am by no means Supermom. But if I choose to play with my daughter over doing those dishes that will be there tomorrow...while I only have a few years with my baby before she is off running and our time together is not as important to her as it once was. I love the moments when I walk through the door and she screams at the top of her lungs MAMA and runs to give me a hug and when I pick her up she talks in her jibberish and tells me what she has been up to since I last saw her.

She is my world and while I have a hard time with the terrible twos...come on what parent doesn't? I am one hundred percent loving my child. Unconditionally. Forever.