Regrets

In a matter of three weeks my baby will be 2 years old. I cannot believe how fast that went...it feels like we just had her home from the hospital. Now, I could not believe how fast it has gone. I know people told me that time flies when you have children but it seems like I am on fast forward. This whole year has been a blur, and I wonder if it's my illness...but I can relive 2011 like it was yesterday. I don't know if I am stuck there or what but I feel like a part of me was left back in last year. And this year is almost over. :(

I think part of me feels guilty for missing a lot of my child's first year and a half...due to the fact that I had to work and Anthony was qualified for the nine months off. I don't resent him for being able to have that time with her...I believe every father if it's possible should have the experience. I don't know what it is, but the one side of the bipolar makes me regret not being there when my daughter needed me. I guess I have a lot of regrets for 2011.

Oh well. I will make the rest of her years better. Starting from now.

One Year

Its been a year since I have been diagnosed with being bipolar. In that year I have gone through countless medications, many thoughts of suicide and self harm and a lot of anger both from myself and my loved ones. The fact that they didn't understand (and quite frankly, sometimes it is still difficult for them to understand).

I am finally on a combination of medications that seem to work for me. The best side effect is no pain, followed by weight loss and appetite suppressor. I feel great with increased energy!!

Hopefully it will last.

Fall is here!

So the weather has transitioned into the cool fall weather that makes you want to snuggle up to your significant other and mate like rabbits. Lol. I love this time of year, the air is cooler at night which makes sleeping that much better. {It's also awesome if you have someone to snuggle with to keep you warm.}

So what has our family been up to in the past two weeks or so? Well, we have been going out, visiting friends, dining on fine food and relaxing. I have come to terms with the whole stay at home mom thing, not worrying about having a job feels amazing! I have been put on a new medication and it makes me feel amazing. Although, people tell me that I am on a high dose (10mg), I feel like it's the right dosage for me.

Things with my hubby are amazing! Every night after work he comes and spends like ten to fifteen minutes just catching up on our days. Which feels really good.

Fall is here and with it comes new possibilities!

Babysitters Anonymous

What an eventful week. I interviewed 3 women for babysitting...and found one I really liked...she was amazing with Willow, content with just sitting in my house even if Willow was napping and not intrusive at all. So I offered her the position the next day. {Provided I get a job at the Ministry of Finance} She then sent me an email saying she received offers for a fulltime position in her field. Drats.

So I went with my second choice...the only thing is...I am nervous about her being a busybody...she wanted to take a look around my house. So I may have to get a lock for my door...

This is all so nerve wracking!!!!

Bipolar since...

I believe I started feeling like this when I was 8 years old. I would obsess over conversations, thoughts of my mother leaving us every time we sat in the car while she went into the grocery store alone, and those are just a few. Now, it's more conversations I obsess over...I will remember the details of many different things I said, how I said them, and worry and obsess that I maybe shouldn't have said that.

Then you add the constant need to be punctual, if not early. This need made me to the point where I was in the bathroom ten minutes before I had to be on the bus heading to work. At my warehouse job, I would take the bus two and a half hours before my shift started just so I wasn't cutting it close. But the pressures of that job led me to killing myself at the gym, not eating for fear of upsetting my stomach, and smoking. Yep I was so stressed out that I was hitting the cancer sticks like a fiend.

When what happened at that job went down and I ended up not going back to the job after the shut down I was a completely different person. I was sketchy, I was miserable. I was experiencing migraines and not reaching my potential at the government. I had a short fuse at home and about to lose everything. I went to my doctor and at first he just labelled me as depressed and prescribed meds. I was then suspended from my government job for two weeks and realized what I needed to do was pull up my socks and make my deadlines at work. When they called me back, I was a new woman. I pulled numbers I had not pulled even the previous year. I built back up my rapport and everyone was satisfied in my work. I ended up being one of the last 5 employees working there and the contract ended on December 2, 2011.

I then decided I was going to try school. And I decided to apply at a private college, and pay an obscene amount of money for a course I didn't want in the first place. I obtained student loans and set myself in debt to realize that making it down to the school by public transit and sitting there every day was way too much for me. Although my grades were amazing I was missing 2-3 days of school every week.and in order to be considered in full time schooling I had to attend a minimum of 20 hours a week. So, I dropped out. And I decided to apply for disability. Seeing as how it was difficult for me to get out the front door, I figured I could get some help while I am unable to do anything.

And that's where I am at right now...waiting for disability and being an at home mom to my daughter. I have been suffering from this since I was 8 so almost 20 years...and it has just gotten progressively worse.

Man Problems

So I need to vent. I am having man problems. 

Recently I have met a friend who's family has known mine since waaaaay back when and she suffers from being bipolar as well and so we have connected in a good way. She is someone I can talk to and doesn't judge. She is someone that knows what I go through and feels similar things. 

So i went over to her place last night. And that was fine with Anthony. He was in a bad mood due to the mancold that has taken over my house. He is so grumpy when it comes to being sick. Well I had seen a female on his Facebook page and decided to ask him about it when he got home. But I forgot and didn't bring it up till I got home last night around 9:30. I asked him who so and so was and he said why does it matter? And i asked where he met her? He said on the internet...and I was like where? And he said it doesn't matter where he met her. W.T.F?!?!?! 

Naturally, I overreacted and had a fit. {My meds are on their way out so I have not been feeling well..very sleep deprived and whatnot.} He then proceeded to delete the woman off of Facebook...and me. Yup he decided to delete me as well and I was totally fine with it. If he decides that not having me on his facebook is that important well then what can I say? Half the time I hate Facebook and I just go on it to play games. I may take myself off there in a little while anyways. I prefer Twitter anyways and there's just so much drama on Facebook that there is no reason why I need to be on there. If people want to see how I am doing they can call me or come by.

So as of right now there is tension between us. He thinks I am mad that he makes female friends...but the bigger issue is he won't tell me where they met. He met me online and so his MO is usually the same...so of course being in the mental state I am in I fear the worst. 

Ah well, things will die down.