Green with Envy

I have a confession...I am a very jealous woman. I worry constantly about the new females hubs adds to Facebook, I cringe every time I hear her name. And as of Monday, there will be two of them back at his work. He came home and was like 'oh I can get us coupons for Niagara...' and when I asked him from who he said 'Jessica' oh and he also told me that she just went with her fiance and that she can help us plan our trip if we want her too. UM NO?!?!?!! It's our anniversary...I am sure we can manage. And apparently he showed her a picture of our child and she was like if you guys ever want to go out I will babysit for you!!! First of all, I don't know this girl...so why would I even consider her to babysit my most precious possession? So she can snoop around my house and see what I do wrong as a parent? Also, if I was to go out with Anthony and leave her with my child, would they hang out afterwards?

This one girl is twenty...the other one is between 21 and 25 and was in my class for Anatomy, and a few others. He seems to enjoy woman attention. I don't understand how he can say nothing will ever happen and he is loyal to me. Well I know he has been the past 5 years despite everything we have gone through...but what happens if one day my bipolar disorder is too much for him to handle...the fact that I don't cook a dinner and he spews off to one of them...

Now he has not always been innocent...when I first went out to be with him not only did he take me to a chick's workplace that he later confessed that he kissed while drunk...I was sitting in his bedroom at his parent's place and he was chatting with his female friend who decided to send him a picture of her lying on her bed in her pjs and he said I would totally photograph you. (Not that I am trying to rehash...just pointing out that my fears are not all in vain.)

I feel awful that I feel this way but I am unsure how to shut it off. I just don't want him to ever think I am not good enough...that would devastate me..

Best Weekend Ever!

To be honest, there was nothing noteworthy or extremely special about this weekend. On Friday I went over to my moms after school and watched her dogs for her...Friday evening I spent with my hubby and baby...spent Saturday and Sunday with my little princess while Daddy was at work, and Monday I was back at my moms dog sitting and had a great night with the hubs once again.

But I was happy. And not the fake kind of happiness. I was legitimately, genuinely happy. I felt great. I walked over to my moms yesterday without listening to music...(something I usually need to do whenever I go ANYWHERE) and I was able to smile the whole time. I finished an entire book in a total of two and a half hours and it was a great book.

Yesterday was family day and my hubby decided to wake up with the baby...I was awakened as well but he took the main taking care of her...and we had a great day together. It was really nice to actually be relaxed and happy and not nit picking at each other or being angry at each other. There really is no need for that and I am glad we were able to spend some time together.

I have been taking my meds regularly and I feel absolutely wonderful. I go see my dr tomorrow and I will be able to talk to him about everything that I am feeling. The good the bad and the beautiful...because I am not an ugly person. Haha!

That`s all I have for now. Gonna go clean my dishes and rest of my kitchen before little one has a nap...I may have one too.

A letter for my 16 month old

Dear Willow:

Well a lot has happened in the past little while. You have grown up so fast in the past 4 months since turning a year I cannot believe my eyes. Not only do you get prettier with each passing day you never fail to amaze me with your intelligence and development skills.

Your words are now much clearer...you love your Daddy so much that the words you have perfected are "Hi Daddy!" Kitty is another word you love to say as you antagonize the cats with your adorableness. When you are hungry you let me know by telling me you want "yum yums" and the fact that you give abundant amounts of kisses makes my heart melt.

You are quite mobile...and you learned that all on your own. You knew you were ready and you decided to just take off. Now it's fun to watch you walk around steadily on your two legs and be so happy that you can do it.

You recently had the stomach flu and although your tummy felt awful you made it through it like a champ. You kept your spirits up and were still the happiest little girl even through the gross parts. That's the second time in your life you have been really sick and Mommy is very lucky that way. It devastated me to be helpless while you were sick and not being able to take it away from you...broke my heart because I love you so much and just want you to be pain free.

My wish for you is to live a happy healthy life. You are the centre of my world and anything I do I do for you to be comfortable and happy in the long run. I look forward to all the stages in your life...although the one you are in now with the hitting and biting and whatnot is not my favorite...and I am excited to see what the future will bring for us.

I love you my angel, now and forever.

Mommy XOXO

Weight loss check in!

It has been four weeks since I have started my lose weight regime and I am happy to announce that I have lost 9 pounds in those four weeks. I can really attribute it to the past two and a half weeks mostly because I had the stomach flu and a ton of stress that has inadvertently curbed my appetite.

Which kinda sucks, because although I know I should eat my stomach heaves at the very thought of food. I don't understand why...food can be awesome. I mean in the past few weeks I have had to make tough decisions regarding school and work and whatnot. Money is a little tighter than expected and I am stressing about that. I also just went back on my medication after a month and a half hiatus. (Stupid idea of mine to go off them when I clearly need them.) So I think what my fear is that if I relax and eat, we will run out of food faster than the money coming in can get more. And I am reserving money especially so my daughter doesn't go without anything.

Do I know it's stupid...yes. But for some reason I can't shut it off and it probably won't be shut off until Mayish...when I find out when I go back to work.

But on the plus side...I lost 9 pounds!

My baby is no longer a baby

Alas but she is turning into the best toddler ever. She has some pre-terrible two moments but I can keep them under rein. She also has not had too much other children interaction and I find that she has benefited well from it. I know as she gets older she will need child interaction..I'm no idiot. But she is learning how to share, she is learning to do as she is told, and she is learning no means no. Whether it be a firm warning or a tap on the bum or hand she knows when we mean business. And we are by no means harsh or uber strict...she can almost do whatever she wants.

Within reason of course. She has definitely got her daddy wrapped around her finger...but even he had to crackdown on her the other day when she was doing something she was not supposed to. I came home from school and he sheepishly came up to me and said, "I had to give Willow a smack on the hand today." I smiled and said "oh why?" and he proceeded to tell me that as he was cleaning the apartment he was cleaning the kitty litter and Willow came over to play in it. Something she never does!!! LIKE EVER. He told me she gave a two second whine/cry and walked away but has not touched it since.

Kids are very smart. If they are allowed to grow and learn and thrive. I was discussing with another mom and she was telling me how she does what I do, talk to her child as if he were a person, not as if it's a mindless baby. Like for example "go get your bottle." rather than "go get your baba for mama." Nothing wrong with that. To each their own but I am just finding that Willow learns more when I talk to her straight up rather than baby talk to her.

But she could at least slow down in the growing up department.