Marriage

Ok, so I have a friend. This friend is a mom and married just as I am. Just recently my friend has indulged a secret to me and I was quite shocked to hear it. We went out to a club to have a ladies night out and she informed me that a few weeks earlier she had told her husband that she was going to have coffee with me and she instead met up with an old flame at a motel and had sex with him. {In all honesty I had had a couple of drinks already and took the news well, but as I sobered up and thought about the night, I recalled how she said that to me.} And when her husband picked her up from my house, I felt a sudden twinge of guilt. Like, I know what she is really doing when she says she is with me. Part of me feels like I am covering up a bad secret and I feel like an accessory. Another part of me is mad that my friend has dragged me into this web of lies, deceit, adultery. It would be one thing if it was a bad situation and she had said, "if my husband ever asks I was with you but I am trying to get things sorted out so I can leave him with my child and make a new life for him." 

But the reason she is doing this to not only her husband but also her child is because she is in a sexless marriage. Her husband doesn't have sex with her very often, and she (like a lot of women, including myself) has needs that need to be met. Yep. I get it.Before I went on my anti-anxiety meds I was so miffed at my husband's lack of need to have sex. But since my marriage vows were spoken I had not nor would not even dream of looking outside the marriage for sex. After the birth of child I took another set of vows that she would be raised in a home where two parents who loved each other would be there for her every step of the way. I was angry, I was frustrated, we had many arguments and days we didn't speak to one another due to this issue. But I have always known that one day things would level themselves out. I also realized a lot about myself and the way I was making my husband feel and as a result he didn't even want to be in the same room as me let alone sleep with me. 


Last week, I received a message on my phone and when I replied to it the next day the response from this friend was 'I just want you to know you and I had really good coffee last night.' Meanwhile I had been on the couch snuggled up to my hubby all night watching movies. So when her husband finds out that she is in fact cheating on him, (because one ALWAYS gets caught. ALWAYS) I hope for her sake she knows what she is doing and how it will affect everyone. If she thinks that things with extended family are bad now, then just give it time. 


In my opinion, if you are that unhappy in your marriage then leave. You can make it on your own. You can have shared custody of your child. This is not the dark ages you will not be put to death for divorcing your spouse. 

Have I ever thought about it? Sure. These days the struggles of money and personality clashes make it very hard to coexist with someone you fall in love with. However, I value the arrangement of marriage and what it means to me. I know I am best suited for someone with my husband's personality and likewise him for me. I am happy, there are ups and downs but if every marriage was perfect then something is wrong somewhere. 

I found the following 25 ways to kill or destroy one's marriage...and it is so true.  There is something for everyone as I am sure we all fall short somewhere down the line. I will end my post with this list and will strive to ensure that I don't do many or all of the things on there.

1. Believe that your marriage will be great without having to invest time or effort into it.
2. NEVER compliment or praise your spouse.
3. Stop pursuing your spouse like you did before marriage.
4. Be critical all the time.
5. Demand that your spouse meets your needs.
6. Pout when you don’t get your way.
7. Consider sex a chore and only do it because you feel obligated.
8. Use the silent treatment when you are mad.
9. Get angry … often.
10. Flirt with people other than your spouse.
11. Tell your spouse they need to make changes, but you make no effort to change.
12. Never be willing to meet your spouse’s needs.
13. Make no effort to improve yourself or your marriage.
14. Speak negatively about your spouse around other people.
15. Make no effort to keep yourself “looking good” for your spouse.
16. Use derogatory words like stupid, dumb, ignorant and idiot.
17. Always blame your spouse for the problems. It’s never your fault.
18. Take your mate for granted.
19. Quit trying to impress your spouse (you’re married, it’s not needed anymore).
20. Withhold sex.
21. Never take any time to get away without the kids.
22. Don’t tell your spouse how much you love or appreciate them. Just expect them to know it.
23. Be dishonest.
24. When arguing … bring up old stuff from the past.
25. Have a short fuse.

Side Effects...

Every morning at 3am til about 430 I am wide awake. I have to leave my bedroom and lie on the couch and hope and pray that I can fall back to sleep in order to wake up feeling well rested and happy to deal with people in the day to day grind. It is one of the side effects to the medication I am on...and it is not the only one  I suffer with.

I also have hot flashes, muscle pains, I'm excessively tired. I have a busy day usually and when I get home from work and spend  time with my family, get the baby off to bed; by the time I eat dinner and relax on the couch I am ready to pass out. I usually fall asleep on the couch between 9 and 10 and Anthony wakes me up to go to bed between 11 and 1130.

So which  is the worse of two evils...my moods are better everyone has noticed. but I am suffering hard core with the side effects.  I feel like I am in a menopausal woman's body...I see my doctor in a week and a half hopefully he will know what to do and how to deal.

Time Heals all Wounds

I have made a realization in recent weeks that family {you know, the genetically similar humans that make up your heritage and family tree} is not always the true sense of the word. In my case, I have a biological make up of what seems to be a loving close knit happy family unit. {Please note: I am talking about extended family, grandparents, aunts uncles and all of the like} But what lies just beneath that facade is a lifetime of guilt, horrible things said and done; absolutely nothing of a family that supposedly loves one another. 

Since the time I was little, my paternal grandmother looked after my brother and I a lot! And things were fine. When my mom was sick, and had to have surgeries, when my parents would go away on their much needed time away, we were at "Grandma's house." And until I was 13 that was ok, because my great grandmother was still alive and she was my entire world. We would bake, she would indulge me in my games and played a very active role in the first 10 years of my life. When she passed away I felt a hole in my heart and to be honest things have never been the same.

My grandmother was not the warm loving grandmother everyone thought she was. She was always frustrated with my brother, who was just being a rambunctious little boy. She ensured that he knew he was not liked in her books and eventually made everyone exasperated with him and made him out to be the 'bad child.' I still remember the time when I was just about 10 years old, my parents were out of town and my grandparents had us for the weekend. We went to East Side Mario's for dinner and I was eating a garden salad. My grandmother looked at me and said 'you may want to slow down on the salad boys don't like fat girls.'  *jaw drop* Needless to say I was extremely careful after that never to ask for seconds at any meal, to prefer water to pop {as my grandmother had an issue with my complexion as well. Did you know boys don't date or marry girls with acne all over their face??}

But by the time my parents came for dinner the Sunday night we were there, "Grandma" had smoothed everything over so that we would only tell our parents that we had fun, not anything that had happened that was less than fun. This continued until I was 16 and I remember specifically one time at the early stages of my high school career that my grandmother told me that I need to watch what I eat...boys don't like fat girls and that everyone agreed with her including my parents. I decided to challenge her and said 'my parents don't think that they would tell me.' Little did I know the next thing out of her mouth would have been, "oh everyone thinks that but no one has the heart to tell you. I am telling you because I love you." For the next two years I would only eat at dinner going from 140 to 127 lbs in no time. Started smoking and drinking Diet Coke at school it was a bad scene. To this day my mother is fuming about that. 

Despite everything in my childhood I tried to continue a good rapport with that side of the family. After my father left my mother he saw me every week...every two weeks...once a month....once every three months...when I left the province from Dec- July he had NO IDEA I was even gone. I wrote a letter to my grandmother once I started counselling and let her know I was doing just fine without her theory of boys only wanting skinny girls. Then when I got pregnant I didn't tell her right away...I didn't feel after so many years of horribleness she was worthy of knowing. To this day they have not made any connections or attempts to see Willow. 

About two weeks ago my contract ended at my job. Of course not being on my anti anxiety meds as of yet I decided to pay my grandparents a visit in a desperate attempt to do...what exactly I don't really know. But anyways my conversation with my grandfather went like this:

Me: Hello.

G: Hi (eyes big as a deer in headlights)

Me: Is grandma home?

G: (hesitates) Yeah...

Me: What? 

G: (getting angry now) Would you make up your bloody mind? I am tired of the way you treat her.

Me: O..k?

G: I am so sick of you people!

Me: Me people? {Yes I said it just like that...I was shocked at him yelling at me}

G: Yes, you, your mother, and your brother. It breaks my heart the way you treat her. *starts to cry*

Me: Uhhh... {I was still pissed about the You People comment.}

G: I don't give a damn about you. You are dead to me. But you can go in and see if she will talk to you. I won't. 

Cue me walking down his driveway into my friend's car and driving away.

And just like that my so called all wise all mature grandfather played the victim and acted like nothing they did was wrong. 

I am fortunate to have my mother and brother as well as my maternal side of the family. I have a loving husband and a beautiful daughter. And a ton of friends that I have made along the way. Time does heal all wounds and what goes around comes around. That is what I firmly believe in.

One Month

Oh. My. Goodness. I woke up this morning and realized, `hmm my baby is 11 months old today.' *gulp* That means in one month (to the day) she will be one year old. One year to the day I was in the hospital wondering when she is going to get here...am I going to have her on my birthday? {My birthday is the day after Willow's.}

Hugs for Daddy!

                                                             

Being goofy with Mama

          Ah, the joys of parenthood. She is the apple of my eye and as each stage comes and goes I am falling more and more in love with my little angel.

Bring on 2012!

So I went to the college I was interested in yesterday afternoon. I talked with an education consultant and we figured out what course I am going to take. {Medical Transcription} Then they had me do an assessment test, both timed and not timed, as well as a typing test. And the results were...I did very well! I was only supposed to get 60% and I got 80%!! So I am quite happy with that.


Now, they mentioned tuition and books and whatnot...and it costs a whopping 10,700 dollars to go to this school.Now there is a government funded program that allows students doing full time schooling to get a loan for tuition and living costs...but that would put me into 30,000 dollars worth of debt. {Yeah...no} But there is another way to get government funding for the tuition and living expenses and the government really helps out. So I am going to look into that once my unemployment kicks in and see what can be done for January.


In the meantime, not only are my meds helping with the whole anxiety, moods, and relationship aspects of my life, but I am enjoying being a stay at home mom. {for the time being that is.} I am not frantically looking for another means of employment, {although I will not turn down any offers} and I am "more fun" according to my husband. Which means that in the short week that I have been taking the medication he has noticed a difference.

So although I have had a rough go of 2011 I can feel that 2012 has a lot of good things in store for me and my family. I am excited to welcome it and to see what the future has in store for us!

Nom nom nom good cookie Mom!

Wake me up when September Ends

When I first heard that song, it was in 2001 near the end of it and the whole 9/11 tragedy happened. At first, I thought it was a tribute to the fallen, and a song about how the victims of that horrific day must have felt. But this month being September it seems like it is the perfect theme to my month...


It is day 6 of taking Cymbalta...and I am feeling a lot better...still jobless but I have had an interview already, and I have another one tomorrow. The anxiety attacks I have are more fierce than before...but they are easily fixed. My husband is more understanding that I have this problem...and he has been nothing short of supportive. I realize at first he didn't know how to handle my moods..but its a learning experience for the both of us.


I am very thankful to have him. He and I have overcome some tough stuff and I am determined not to give up on our marriage.

The long winding road

My name is Brittany and just recently I started taking Cymbalta for my anxiety.

Yes I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot control my emotions on my own. It has been a helluva ride through the motions and it has gotten to the point where my moods and my feelings are really starting to affect my world around me. And as much as I didn't and fought against taking mood altering drugs of any kind...I knew something had to be done before the worst happened...I would be divorced and only see my child on alternating weekends.

Being told that the only reason you are still co-habiting with someone you thought you loved is due to the fact that the two of you have procreated a child together is a real sobering thought. Being told, you are not someone I want to be around on a regular basis is not only heart wrenching but an eye opener as to 'Hey, maybe I am in fact part of the problem...'

I am realizing that I have limitations...and that was shown in recent days where I could not get out of bed in the morning and in fact lost my job because of it...and that no matter how hard I can try to get things to go right they just won't always go that way.

I have neurotically applied for so many jobs in the fear that I lose my current position {kinda important in recent days} But I am talking about applying for 30-50 jobs a day for the past 6 weeks. So I went to my doctor on the 6th of September and filled him in on how I had been feeling. I told him how I used alcohol to feel happy and how the occasional weekend drink turned into every weekend drinking, and then was seeping into my workweek. He said I need to start on a low dose and if need be gradually up my dosage and perhaps speak to a psychologist...

It has been very hard to come to terms with how I am feeling. And been very hard to own up to mistakes I have made in regards to relationships. But I am taking it one day at a time and hoping that at the end of it all I still have the people around me that I love and love me in return.

Here's to all the moms, dads, sons, daughters, siblings, and relatives who suffer silently on a daily basis and who deal with and live with someone feeling like this everyday. It's a tough issue and to succeed in waking up everyday is AMAZING.