Marriage

Ok, so I have a friend. This friend is a mom and married just as I am. Just recently my friend has indulged a secret to me and I was quite shocked to hear it. We went out to a club to have a ladies night out and she informed me that a few weeks earlier she had told her husband that she was going to have coffee with me and she instead met up with an old flame at a motel and had sex with him. {In all honesty I had had a couple of drinks already and took the news well, but as I sobered up and thought about the night, I recalled how she said that to me.} And when her husband picked her up from my house, I felt a sudden twinge of guilt. Like, I know what she is really doing when she says she is with me. Part of me feels like I am covering up a bad secret and I feel like an accessory. Another part of me is mad that my friend has dragged me into this web of lies, deceit, adultery. It would be one thing if it was a bad situation and she had said, "if my husband ever asks I was with you but I am trying to get things sorted out so I can leave him with my child and make a new life for him." 

But the reason she is doing this to not only her husband but also her child is because she is in a sexless marriage. Her husband doesn't have sex with her very often, and she (like a lot of women, including myself) has needs that need to be met. Yep. I get it.Before I went on my anti-anxiety meds I was so miffed at my husband's lack of need to have sex. But since my marriage vows were spoken I had not nor would not even dream of looking outside the marriage for sex. After the birth of child I took another set of vows that she would be raised in a home where two parents who loved each other would be there for her every step of the way. I was angry, I was frustrated, we had many arguments and days we didn't speak to one another due to this issue. But I have always known that one day things would level themselves out. I also realized a lot about myself and the way I was making my husband feel and as a result he didn't even want to be in the same room as me let alone sleep with me. 


Last week, I received a message on my phone and when I replied to it the next day the response from this friend was 'I just want you to know you and I had really good coffee last night.' Meanwhile I had been on the couch snuggled up to my hubby all night watching movies. So when her husband finds out that she is in fact cheating on him, (because one ALWAYS gets caught. ALWAYS) I hope for her sake she knows what she is doing and how it will affect everyone. If she thinks that things with extended family are bad now, then just give it time. 


In my opinion, if you are that unhappy in your marriage then leave. You can make it on your own. You can have shared custody of your child. This is not the dark ages you will not be put to death for divorcing your spouse. 

Have I ever thought about it? Sure. These days the struggles of money and personality clashes make it very hard to coexist with someone you fall in love with. However, I value the arrangement of marriage and what it means to me. I know I am best suited for someone with my husband's personality and likewise him for me. I am happy, there are ups and downs but if every marriage was perfect then something is wrong somewhere. 

I found the following 25 ways to kill or destroy one's marriage...and it is so true.  There is something for everyone as I am sure we all fall short somewhere down the line. I will end my post with this list and will strive to ensure that I don't do many or all of the things on there.

1. Believe that your marriage will be great without having to invest time or effort into it.
2. NEVER compliment or praise your spouse.
3. Stop pursuing your spouse like you did before marriage.
4. Be critical all the time.
5. Demand that your spouse meets your needs.
6. Pout when you don’t get your way.
7. Consider sex a chore and only do it because you feel obligated.
8. Use the silent treatment when you are mad.
9. Get angry … often.
10. Flirt with people other than your spouse.
11. Tell your spouse they need to make changes, but you make no effort to change.
12. Never be willing to meet your spouse’s needs.
13. Make no effort to improve yourself or your marriage.
14. Speak negatively about your spouse around other people.
15. Make no effort to keep yourself “looking good” for your spouse.
16. Use derogatory words like stupid, dumb, ignorant and idiot.
17. Always blame your spouse for the problems. It’s never your fault.
18. Take your mate for granted.
19. Quit trying to impress your spouse (you’re married, it’s not needed anymore).
20. Withhold sex.
21. Never take any time to get away without the kids.
22. Don’t tell your spouse how much you love or appreciate them. Just expect them to know it.
23. Be dishonest.
24. When arguing … bring up old stuff from the past.
25. Have a short fuse.