2012 Goals

Alas I am writing on the last day of 2011 and I am about to put down all my goals and aspirations that I have for the upcoming year. Hopefully by this time next year I will be able to blog and say that I have accomplished quite a few of the goals I am about to set for myself.

Here we go:

1.  My first goal is to lose 60lbs in 8 months. I am probably sitting at the weight of 200-215 so I would like to be about 155 by the time I am stepping into the career world. I will be joining the Y gym and going to exercise three times a week. {Monday, Wednesday, and Friday}
2. My second goal is to pass my course with a minimum of 95%. I know this will take dedication, hard work and studying but I know I can do it.
3. My third goal is to get my driver's license. By writing my G1 in January and doing driving school I should be able to drive by the time I graduate.
4. My fourth goal is to blog at least three times a week. I love writing, it is definitely my outlet and I know how people are addicted to it.

There's no place like home

So one of the benefits of having a cocktail of meds to keep me sane is the fact that I am more willing to do things around the house. Things like cleaning, organizing, redecorating.  It had really irritated me the layout of my apartment, I didn't like how some of the space wasn't being utilized to the full so I decided to do a little shifting of furniture before my hubby came home and see how I could improve.

Before I redecorated the couches were far apart and there was a lot of wasted space. I moved the one couch up close to the tv area and made a huge space in the back corner of my living room for all of Willow's bigger toys.

sitting area. (ignore the mess Willow was playing)

So behind the couches, I put all her big toys and the wooden hutch that holds all her toys and movies etc, so that they remain contained and out of the way.

So that left my computer/dining room area free from all the little kid toys and stroller and looks rather decent...it's not perfectly the way I want it yet but it'll do for now. Once it's the way I want it to be I will post a pic.

I cannot wait to move into a two bedroom. That way all of Willow's toys will be placed in her bedroom and my living room can be just that...a living room! :D

I put the HOT in Psychotic

So on the 21st of this month I saw my doctor for a follow up visit to discuss how well the meds I am on are working. The day I went to see him the weather was dreary and grey, as was my mood. I felt blucky and depressed. The previous days that week I had many episodes of hyperness, sleeping maybe 7 hours over a span of 72 hours. when I told my doctor this he informed me that I may be bipolar. He prescribed me with a mood stabilizer. (Also, as I would later find out were known as anti-psychotics) He also sent a referral out to see a psychiatrist as an outpatient at the hospital.

To be honest, I feel like I am a nutcase. I mean when you have the term "antipsychotic" when referencing a medication that you now have to take, it's almost like you feel like you are abnormal. Broken. Damaged. But when I picked up my meds on Monday and started taking them, well I have to admit a lot of things are better. For one, I feel like cleaning and cooking. And being all I can be to my hubby and daughter.

I sleep. The first night I took it at 10pm, and I slept right through til 3:30pm the next day. My body was absolutely exhausted and I couldn't open my eyes even if I wanted to. But the night after that I took it at 9 and slept til 5 and then laid in bed til my daughter woke up at 7:45.

Last night I cleaned up the living room. I did the kitty litter. I made an amazing chicken dinner. I felt content. I felt...happy to a degree. I know I am not cured. I know I won't be cured for a very long time. It is a long road to recovery from here. But to be motivated to do something other than sit on the couch and watch tv after Willow goes to sleep is a big change.

There are times it is very dark in my world. But I have a great support group, I have amazing family and friends. As long as I believe in myself and they believe in me, everything should be good to go.

Not so Silent Night

Alas, I have something to write about as my Christmas day was not quiet and boring in the least. Ok, so my friend came over and she was upset. Her sister didn't make any time for just her on her birthday, (yes she is unfortunate enough to have the same birthdate as Christmas) and so I suggested we go for a ride in her car. We do random drives on a regular basis. I thought it would take her mind off her sadness and maybe, just maybe, we could go to the local 7-11 and get a slurpee.

So we took off, heading eastward and just talking, shooting the shit, making up wildly amazing stories that only her and I would understand. We just...work that way y'know? Whenever I would look in the side view mirrors I would see how pitch black it really was as when I looked forward her high beams were on and lighting up the path in front of us. It was scary, it was exhilarating, it was the darkest of dark out at 5:30pm we seriously thought time was off and it should have been after 12 midnight.

We reached a point where we decided to turn around and go back home. She turned into a driveway and turned the car around perfectly. And we took the exact same route home. But at one point the road had turned into two lanes. Now, my friend is not the brightest of drivers so by the time she realized it she was straddling two lanes. And as she was picking the lane to drive in, this huge black truck {who had NO HEADLIGHTS ON} came zooming up alongside just as she decided to merge into that lane. I saw it, a few seconds too late and I braced myself for impact as she hit the back of his truck with the driver side of her car.

Let me tell you I almost peed my pants after when I saw this big lug of a guy get out of his car and head towards us. {Like in the movie Better off Dead when the burger joint place guy comes after John Cusack and tries to pull him outta the car.} And he said to my friend, "you sure picked a good time and place to do this didn't ya?" Um, excuse me sir...where were your headlights??!!? But we were both too shaken up to realize this. So they exchanged information and he went on his merry way.

But as a result I got bad whiplash and my muscles were so sore for about two days afterwards. I felt so bad for Becky though. She was close to tears but kept composed. I don't think I have ever seen her cry before Sunday. She is a trooper and cries privately when she is alone. But I know she is comfortable enough around me to know I would never make her feel embarrassed to show emotion.

I am a little nervous about getting in the car with her. We have had many near misses and that night made me realize the possibilities that could happen if I get in the car with her again. *GULP*

Things I am Thankful for...

As I woke up this morning to the sound of my daughter yelling at her dad, I realized that I have a lot to be thankful for. Although 2011 wasn't the best year for me, (at least not until Septemberish) I have a lot in my life. I have a beautiful, healthy, baby girl. I have a husband who most of the time is the best man a girl could ask for. {He has his moments, but who doesn't?}

I have my health, for the most part I am quite healthy and able to function for day to day living. I have my mom and my brother who I am really close to. They are my rocks when I am weak and they are there for us whenever I need them to be, as well as vice versa. I see how great being a family unit can be and I am so thankful for them.

I have a few handfuls of great friends, I have a bunch of acquaintances, and I have people who I say hello to once every 6 months or so. But the people I surround myself with are upbuilding, encouraging and love me for me.

Currently I was accepted and am doing well in college. I am thankful for this opportunity to do well for my family. It has helped so much in my life, it has made my husband proud of me as well as made him think about what he can do for himself and his future. It's a wonderful feeling and to see him get encouraged to do something to reach his potential makes my heart swell with pride.

2011 was a lousy year. But thanks to faith in God, a lot of love and help from friends, family and of course my husband and daughter, I am quite certain that 2012 will be one heck of a year!

The Spirit of...?

Alright, so call me Scrooge but I have a bone to pick with Christmas.

To be honest, I hate Christmas. The pretense of it all, the whole commercialization behind it. The selfish greedy attitudes of all the children from the age of 5 and up. But in reality as parents they prep their kids for it from age 1-4 and then by the time the child is expecting something and throwing the fit of the year when they don't get it they stand there and scratch their heads wondering...'Where is this all coming from?'

I was having a conversation with one of my friends earlier today, and she was saying how she can't wait til her Christmas is over. She was angry, at how selfish people are and how stupid Christmas is. She said everyone is so bitter and angry, and it's true! I honestly think although people claim to love Christmas there are those out there that absolutely dread it. The rush at the malls, the crowds, the empty pocketbooks by the time January comes along. It's insane! And I was talking to a Walmart employee the other day and I asked her how busy it had been the week before Christmas. And she told me that up until the 23rd it had been dead. People seriously are sick waiting for the rush of last minute shopping. Why not shop starting in August and put stuff away for December? Not only will your credit card statements thank you but you won't have the stress of last minute things. That way too, by the time stuff comes out in November/December you only have those few things to get for people.

Yes I think it is a horrible holiday. The "spirit of Christmas" or what people to believe to be the spirit of Christmas is definitely not a baby in a manger. Sure you have the die hard religious people who believe it to be so, but that story has been choked out by the latest gadgets and the most presents one can accumulate. Also, if you really take it apart and analyze the whole birth of Jesus story, if His birthday was on December 25th, the sheep would have been inside for the winter. In the story, the shepherds were out in the field with their sheep, the night was clear and Joseph and Mary took the trek from Nazareth to Bethlehem on a donkey. It would have been difficult for the animal to make that journey in the wintertime. Also, there is nowhere in the Bible that Jesus says celebrate my birthday. The only event He said to commemorate is his death.So why are there all these holes from these people who celebrate Christmas because it is apparently Jesus' birthday?

Yes, my post may be a touchy one. But it is simply my opinion and if you don't like it...don't read it!

Letter to my Father in Law

*Before I begin, a little bit of background story on my FIL~ he has been in jail since 2008. A former alcoholic, he would black out and be violent. Well he took the last episode a little too far and was finally put in jail, forced to become sober and has been for 3 years. He wrote us a letter, asking us to get in touch with him if we want to and the following is what I would want to say to him.*

Dear Dave,

It sure has been awhile since we have heard from you. To be honest I was quite worried about your wellbeing with you being in jail and all. But I am glad to hear you are doing okay. 3 years sober is quite the accomplishment...you can't imagine how proud of you I am. I know Anthony is too but I am not sure if he is ready to acknowledge it yet. He has been hurt pretty badly in his life and understandably there is a lot more than mere words that is needed to prove to him that things are different. Not sure if he will come around or not, maybe not now but down the line perhaps he will. Time definitely heals all wounds just the amount of time is not always certain. 

A lot has gone on since you last were in touch with us. Anthony and I have become parents to a beautiful little girl. We named her Willow Abigail Marie Dutchak. She was born on October 18,2010 and she is currently 14 months old. Anthony is absolutely smitten with her and he is the best father this little girl could ever ask for. He took 9 months of parental leave to take care of his daughter. He cried when she was born. Our marriage is so strong now and we have overcome so much in the short year and a bit of our child's life it's absolutely amazing. I can only accredit it all to the grace of God, who has really blessed our family.

Right now I am currently in school for medical office assistant. I am hoping to get into transcription for doctors, and within five years be a stay at home mom with my children. Yes, I want another baby in the future. Anthony is unsure, but I believe he will be fine within a couple of years to have another child. Anthony has aspirations to go to school within the next 3 years or so, once I am done and established in a job and he will be able to go down to part time at work and do his studies.

We don't currently have a landline to accept phone calls from. So writing will probably be the best way to communicate with you. At least for the time being. I hope you are well and hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

Brittany

I love being a mom

My child is now 14 months old. And she has come so far in her short life. She is walking...she is saying words, she is becoming more and more cuddly and loving. (Kisses and hugs by the dozen.) I know that as she heads into her second year there will be new challenges and it will get a bit more difficult, but then again maybe not. I am being realistic, I know she will have her moments, moments where I won't want to be a mom due to how frustrated she makes me, and her little fits will come as well.

Some of her words right now include Mom, Daddy, kitty, bath, "there it is", and my favorite "thanks." (Yes my child has picked up on the fact that whenever I take something or she hands me something I say thanks. And she has done it every time I give her a bottle or something else that she likes. Sooo cute!)

When my mom comes over, it's like magic. My daughter was over playing with her toys one evening when my mom came home with me to see her before picking up my brother from work. When Willow saw me, she started babbling and showing me how she was playing with her toys. But when she saw my mom, she shrieked "HI NANA" and scrambled over and practically begged my mom to pick her up.

I have enjoyed so much the past year of her life and as she gets older and more interactive with DH and I, it's absolutely wonderful. She is a character, putting in her little "mhmm" when she wants her opinions heard.

It may soon be time to start trying for another one but for right now the little monkey we have just makes our world complete and our hearts full of joy!

Winter Break

Well I definitely have not been blogging as much as I would like to but I have to admit life is so awesome that I don't even mind!!!

Ok, so I started school on December 5th, and that is a funny story because I wanted to take the Medical Transcriptionist course and unfortunately my school had cancelled that program altogether. So although I was disappointed, I decided to take my second choice which was Medical Office Assistant. (MOA from here on out) Of course I didn't have the 11,000 dollars that was needed to pay for tuition and books and such. So I applied for government funding and was able to sit in on the class as my application was processed. It took about 5 days but I was then approved for a loan of 23,000 dollars and if I complete the course successfully I only have to pay 7,300 of it back.

Yeah, it is amazing. And so far, in my anatomy course...my midterm exam was on Friday and I am sitting on a 98% average! I am so proud of myself as it has been just over a decade since I have been in school and I was not applying myself as well as I should have. So to have these marks on top of being a mom and a wife and so on makes me feel awesome.

Currently, I  am on my 2 week break and so I am taking the time to relax, get some housework and organization done in my apartment and just enjoy being a mom. 2012 is going to be my year and I cannot wait to be in my career!

Unemployment!

Alas, I am currently unemployed. However, I am also loving it. I am going to be a stay at home mom {er...well sort of but I will get to that in a minute.} But I have been go go go for the past three years. I was extremely busy throughout my entire pregnancy, working, stressing about how on earth we were going to afford the little bundle of joy whose day of arrival was fast approaching. 


Due to our lack of inexperience, our naiivety to saving and being resourceful, as well as the fact that we had not accepted that our lives were about to change in a very big way, we didn't have very much money saved up for after I gave birth. So when an opportunity arose 2 months after my DD was born, well it was back to work I went. And then DH went on parental leave so I was left working through my daughter's first year. Which, granted I didn't mind. But as the year went on and from one position to the next without anything substantial...or even any money, and with the whole thing that happened with the pervert at the one job that seemed to get me anywhere, my anxiety got worse. My depression was slowly tumbling into a one woman wrecking crew. Hey, did I want a divorce? I was THIS CLOSE to getting one. 


It took me getting suspended from the government job I loved the year before for my eyes to be opened. I needed a change and fast or my life as I knew it was going to end up in the toilet. So now, 3 months {really? is that all it's been?} after starting the anti anxiety meds I was on...I am finally not stressed out about every little thing. I am not applying for 70 to 80 jobs A DAY. {Sick right? This girl needs help...I know that's what everyone thought.} I could not be poor. I could not allow my child to feel the effects of Mommy and Daddy not having any money.


So, now that I am not working, what did I do to ensure the above didn't happen? Well I started being smart with our money. DH went back to work in October and since then, I have made sure the cupboards are full with plenty of easy (and cheap) meal ideas for him to take to lunch...hearty food to make sure he was satisfied through his entire shift. Before he took his time off I was too preoccupied with not knowing how I was feeling to care so I would let him buy lunch at work. 200 dollars a month on him eating out ON TOP of all the bills, groceries etc.
So where was I...oh yes! Stocking up when deals are on, (lately it's been a 1, 2, 3 dollar sale at one of the local grocery stores that has been a LIFESAVER.) We do not eat out as much, probably once a week or every two weeks rather than 4 times a week.


Also, open communication, as well as putting any surplus money aside...I have just over 400 dollars to get us through on top of DH's paycheques. We are now working as a team and we are able to get farther than not talking or communicating at all. Also, with being medicated I have more energy to cook, I plan grocery lists now...all ways around things are going well. 


So being unemployed for the time being is ok...as long as I have a safety net and have planned ahead..which I have.

You Will Never Know how much it Hurts!

So I have wanted to write this letter to you for the past 9 years. I chose not to for fear of you cutting me out of your life. Seeing as how that has happened anyways, I feel I have nothing to lose in writing it now.

I am mad...mostly at you but a little at myself for being so adamant of having you in my life. You have not been a father to me; at least not in the sense I needed you to be. A father is supposed to be emotionally involved, loving, patient and protective. You have always been distant, uncaring, exasperated. When I would see the way my friends' fathers took an interest in them, was patient with them...I always thought it was weird-abnormal even. My dad never did those things. Rather than spending time with our dad while Mom had a much needed day out with friends, we were sent to our rooms. Out of sight out of mind right? Telling us we can wait til Mom got home to eat. It was like our existence didn't matter to you. For 13 years you made my brother feel like that...ignored him, like he didn't even exist. And you and that "family" of yours are all dumbfounded as to why existence doesn't matter to him?

Then there was the whole fact of how selfish you were when you decided you didn't want to be a part of our family anymore. Not that you COULDN'T...you didn't WANT to. It takes two to fight but only one to ruin a marriage. You had it all..family who loved you, a nice house, a good job. And for some reason you gave all that up for someone who used you to get to the top. But you probably expected it to go a little differently, didn't you? Due to the fact that your own father had an affair on your mother and she was so insecure that she felt that she couldn't live without him so she tells her young impressionable sons that he is still a good man and she stayed with him!

You tell me over and over again that I don't know the whole story. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it's not hard to figure out. Your mother probably played out all her insecurities on you and your brothers. "Girls won't like you if you have acne all over your face." Believe me I know what that is all about. From the age of 9 years old until I was 16 I heard all about what was wrong with my; my complexion, boys don't like fat girls. But you probably figured my mother was like yours...weak and insecure. What kind of role model would my mother be if she was to let you do all that and keep you around? We see the results of your mother's decision.

To any outsider you seem like a great person. You are well molded as a conversationalist. There's another term for that...PLAYER. You are a master manipulator and have everyone fooled into thinking how great you are. How nice you are. But you can only keep up the charade for a short period of time. for the first two years after you left I kept trying...you would see me once a week; then after awhile it was once a month, then it got to once every three months. If you are such a great dad then why didn't you know I was out of the province for 7 months?!?!? If you cared in the slightest bit you would have known.

You have a granddaughter...but I highly doubt you will ever meet her. I cannot expose her to the selfishness and harsh ways of your family. She is perfect in every way and I could not live with myself if I ever tainted her with the cruel dark ways of the family. Family is supposed to be there for everyone, and not hold grudges. But I guess that doesn't matter when you and yours hold all the cards.

Getting this out although I would never send it makes me feel free. I feel happy and at peace with myself and will be able to move on from everything bad in my life.

Regards.

GAH I HAVE A ONE YEAR OLD

So, my baby is quickly becoming a little girl as she turned one today. *tear* It seemed like yesterday I was in the hospital with my midwife waiting for her arrival and now we are one year later and it's amazing how much she has grown and learned in that 12 months.


It's late so I have to run but I will post a pic!

Write more later!

Update!

Sooo...hubby has been back to work for a week and I have been on my pills for almost 2 months now and needless to say although my life is very hectic I am able to cope well. I love the fact that being on the meds I am on not only has kept me calm after working an 8 hour day and then coming home to my little monkey, but I am also able to clean the house and cook a meal for hubs when he gets home from work. I am properly budgeting our money and ensuring bills get paid, we have food in the house and more importantly I am on top of everything my little princess needs for everyday living.

And believe me, it feels AMAZING to be able to say all of that. I am not miserable, in fact I feel happy for the first time in my life! Very content to be a working mother, a doting wife, and a nice sister/daughter/person of society.

Also, in 3 days my babygirl turns the big ONE. I am happy yet sad at how fast it went. And pretty soon my little baby will be my big girl. But as each stage goes on it's going to be so much fun. And I am so happy that I will able to truly enjoy it.

Back to work!

Alas the sad day has come and hubby is going back to work. But for some reason, although I am sad at the fact that I won't have as much free time with him as I would like, and he is going to be gone 5 our of 7 nights a week, I am excited to establish what is already there as a routine for the baby. As well as make it my own.

I have enjoyed the fact that my daughter has really gotten to spend a lot of time with her dad. And that he has gotten a taste of the parenting experience. Being at home by himself with a young child is an impressive feat. He sees what normally a stay at home mom sees. He experiences the ups and downs that come with having a child.

But now it is my turn and although for the most part her routine and schedule is where I want it to be I would like to make a few minor adjustments. One of them being a change in her bedtime. I want her going to sleep at 7:30 or 8pm and hopefully {seen as she loves her sleep} waking up at the same time the next day.

But this is going to be an exciting journey as we are both working parents of a one year old. So we will see how everything goes. Needless to say I am excited.

Having a brother is like having your own Superhero

So yesterday was October 1st, and for the first day of this glorious month I was able to spend it with my mom and brother. I have not posted about my brother at all so let me lay a little history on this blog.

My brother was born on June 12th, 1990. He is 2.5 years younger than I am and for the first part of our lives we were the epitome of sibling rivals. He was a bright minded spirited child; one who was constantly attempted to be snuffed out by other family members due to exasperation and impatience. But believe it or not, my brother refused to let them snuff out his character and change who he was.

When I left home at the age of 19, I left behind my mother and my brother and in effect tearing our family apart even further. Due to the way I was feeling and not knowing how to handle it whatsoever...I treated them poorly. I almost burned all bridges and they almost cut all ties with me. When I came back to Ontario after 7 months of being away, my brother was very jealous if I had any time with my mother. He had a lot of trust issues with me and was scared I would try to convince my mother to let me live back at home. for about two years after I came home he would shoot digs at me. I never understood it until about a year and a half ago. I had hurt him. He was lashing out and showing me that what I had done to him had hurt.

The story gets better though. My brother and I have a better relationship. All through 2010 and 2011 (while I was pregnant and after my DD was born) we developed a bond. A bond I wish we had all through our lives. A bond where we get one another. We can rib each other and joke around, call names and know we don't mean it. If we have an issue with one another we can talk it out calmly and resolve it rather than spend hours screaming at one another.

2 days after she was born

He is absolutely smitten with his niece and cannot wait to help her grow and learn and show her the ways of the world. When I first had her, his facebook status was : 'Is officially an uncle as of 8:14pm on October 18, 2010.' I don't think he knows how much that really means to me. The fact that he finds it special that he can be an uncle...instead of posting, my sister had her kid, he made it endearing and put his official title. With Willow, I see a gentle side of my brother. The calm quiet side, and I see love.

My mom and brother moved closer to us, they are now a five minute walk from our apartment. My brother came over to spend some time with my hubby and I and Willow and I walked with him back home after he was ready to leave. And because I forgot to call him and let him know I got home safely {due to the fact that my phone had died} he called my husband's phone to ensure I was home.

I looked at him the other day and saw that he had indeed become a man. He is 21 years old and I could not be more proud to have any other guy as my brother. He has the utmost respect for women, he takes excellent care of our mother, and he is not only my brother, he is my friend. And I am more than willing to admit that to the world. He is a helluva guy. And the woman that is worthy to be his wife and gain his love and respect is a damned lucky one.

Marriage

Ok, so I have a friend. This friend is a mom and married just as I am. Just recently my friend has indulged a secret to me and I was quite shocked to hear it. We went out to a club to have a ladies night out and she informed me that a few weeks earlier she had told her husband that she was going to have coffee with me and she instead met up with an old flame at a motel and had sex with him. {In all honesty I had had a couple of drinks already and took the news well, but as I sobered up and thought about the night, I recalled how she said that to me.} And when her husband picked her up from my house, I felt a sudden twinge of guilt. Like, I know what she is really doing when she says she is with me. Part of me feels like I am covering up a bad secret and I feel like an accessory. Another part of me is mad that my friend has dragged me into this web of lies, deceit, adultery. It would be one thing if it was a bad situation and she had said, "if my husband ever asks I was with you but I am trying to get things sorted out so I can leave him with my child and make a new life for him." 

But the reason she is doing this to not only her husband but also her child is because she is in a sexless marriage. Her husband doesn't have sex with her very often, and she (like a lot of women, including myself) has needs that need to be met. Yep. I get it.Before I went on my anti-anxiety meds I was so miffed at my husband's lack of need to have sex. But since my marriage vows were spoken I had not nor would not even dream of looking outside the marriage for sex. After the birth of child I took another set of vows that she would be raised in a home where two parents who loved each other would be there for her every step of the way. I was angry, I was frustrated, we had many arguments and days we didn't speak to one another due to this issue. But I have always known that one day things would level themselves out. I also realized a lot about myself and the way I was making my husband feel and as a result he didn't even want to be in the same room as me let alone sleep with me. 


Last week, I received a message on my phone and when I replied to it the next day the response from this friend was 'I just want you to know you and I had really good coffee last night.' Meanwhile I had been on the couch snuggled up to my hubby all night watching movies. So when her husband finds out that she is in fact cheating on him, (because one ALWAYS gets caught. ALWAYS) I hope for her sake she knows what she is doing and how it will affect everyone. If she thinks that things with extended family are bad now, then just give it time. 


In my opinion, if you are that unhappy in your marriage then leave. You can make it on your own. You can have shared custody of your child. This is not the dark ages you will not be put to death for divorcing your spouse. 

Have I ever thought about it? Sure. These days the struggles of money and personality clashes make it very hard to coexist with someone you fall in love with. However, I value the arrangement of marriage and what it means to me. I know I am best suited for someone with my husband's personality and likewise him for me. I am happy, there are ups and downs but if every marriage was perfect then something is wrong somewhere. 

I found the following 25 ways to kill or destroy one's marriage...and it is so true.  There is something for everyone as I am sure we all fall short somewhere down the line. I will end my post with this list and will strive to ensure that I don't do many or all of the things on there.

1. Believe that your marriage will be great without having to invest time or effort into it.
2. NEVER compliment or praise your spouse.
3. Stop pursuing your spouse like you did before marriage.
4. Be critical all the time.
5. Demand that your spouse meets your needs.
6. Pout when you don’t get your way.
7. Consider sex a chore and only do it because you feel obligated.
8. Use the silent treatment when you are mad.
9. Get angry … often.
10. Flirt with people other than your spouse.
11. Tell your spouse they need to make changes, but you make no effort to change.
12. Never be willing to meet your spouse’s needs.
13. Make no effort to improve yourself or your marriage.
14. Speak negatively about your spouse around other people.
15. Make no effort to keep yourself “looking good” for your spouse.
16. Use derogatory words like stupid, dumb, ignorant and idiot.
17. Always blame your spouse for the problems. It’s never your fault.
18. Take your mate for granted.
19. Quit trying to impress your spouse (you’re married, it’s not needed anymore).
20. Withhold sex.
21. Never take any time to get away without the kids.
22. Don’t tell your spouse how much you love or appreciate them. Just expect them to know it.
23. Be dishonest.
24. When arguing … bring up old stuff from the past.
25. Have a short fuse.

Side Effects...

Every morning at 3am til about 430 I am wide awake. I have to leave my bedroom and lie on the couch and hope and pray that I can fall back to sleep in order to wake up feeling well rested and happy to deal with people in the day to day grind. It is one of the side effects to the medication I am on...and it is not the only one  I suffer with.

I also have hot flashes, muscle pains, I'm excessively tired. I have a busy day usually and when I get home from work and spend  time with my family, get the baby off to bed; by the time I eat dinner and relax on the couch I am ready to pass out. I usually fall asleep on the couch between 9 and 10 and Anthony wakes me up to go to bed between 11 and 1130.

So which  is the worse of two evils...my moods are better everyone has noticed. but I am suffering hard core with the side effects.  I feel like I am in a menopausal woman's body...I see my doctor in a week and a half hopefully he will know what to do and how to deal.

Time Heals all Wounds

I have made a realization in recent weeks that family {you know, the genetically similar humans that make up your heritage and family tree} is not always the true sense of the word. In my case, I have a biological make up of what seems to be a loving close knit happy family unit. {Please note: I am talking about extended family, grandparents, aunts uncles and all of the like} But what lies just beneath that facade is a lifetime of guilt, horrible things said and done; absolutely nothing of a family that supposedly loves one another. 

Since the time I was little, my paternal grandmother looked after my brother and I a lot! And things were fine. When my mom was sick, and had to have surgeries, when my parents would go away on their much needed time away, we were at "Grandma's house." And until I was 13 that was ok, because my great grandmother was still alive and she was my entire world. We would bake, she would indulge me in my games and played a very active role in the first 10 years of my life. When she passed away I felt a hole in my heart and to be honest things have never been the same.

My grandmother was not the warm loving grandmother everyone thought she was. She was always frustrated with my brother, who was just being a rambunctious little boy. She ensured that he knew he was not liked in her books and eventually made everyone exasperated with him and made him out to be the 'bad child.' I still remember the time when I was just about 10 years old, my parents were out of town and my grandparents had us for the weekend. We went to East Side Mario's for dinner and I was eating a garden salad. My grandmother looked at me and said 'you may want to slow down on the salad boys don't like fat girls.'  *jaw drop* Needless to say I was extremely careful after that never to ask for seconds at any meal, to prefer water to pop {as my grandmother had an issue with my complexion as well. Did you know boys don't date or marry girls with acne all over their face??}

But by the time my parents came for dinner the Sunday night we were there, "Grandma" had smoothed everything over so that we would only tell our parents that we had fun, not anything that had happened that was less than fun. This continued until I was 16 and I remember specifically one time at the early stages of my high school career that my grandmother told me that I need to watch what I eat...boys don't like fat girls and that everyone agreed with her including my parents. I decided to challenge her and said 'my parents don't think that they would tell me.' Little did I know the next thing out of her mouth would have been, "oh everyone thinks that but no one has the heart to tell you. I am telling you because I love you." For the next two years I would only eat at dinner going from 140 to 127 lbs in no time. Started smoking and drinking Diet Coke at school it was a bad scene. To this day my mother is fuming about that. 

Despite everything in my childhood I tried to continue a good rapport with that side of the family. After my father left my mother he saw me every week...every two weeks...once a month....once every three months...when I left the province from Dec- July he had NO IDEA I was even gone. I wrote a letter to my grandmother once I started counselling and let her know I was doing just fine without her theory of boys only wanting skinny girls. Then when I got pregnant I didn't tell her right away...I didn't feel after so many years of horribleness she was worthy of knowing. To this day they have not made any connections or attempts to see Willow. 

About two weeks ago my contract ended at my job. Of course not being on my anti anxiety meds as of yet I decided to pay my grandparents a visit in a desperate attempt to do...what exactly I don't really know. But anyways my conversation with my grandfather went like this:

Me: Hello.

G: Hi (eyes big as a deer in headlights)

Me: Is grandma home?

G: (hesitates) Yeah...

Me: What? 

G: (getting angry now) Would you make up your bloody mind? I am tired of the way you treat her.

Me: O..k?

G: I am so sick of you people!

Me: Me people? {Yes I said it just like that...I was shocked at him yelling at me}

G: Yes, you, your mother, and your brother. It breaks my heart the way you treat her. *starts to cry*

Me: Uhhh... {I was still pissed about the You People comment.}

G: I don't give a damn about you. You are dead to me. But you can go in and see if she will talk to you. I won't. 

Cue me walking down his driveway into my friend's car and driving away.

And just like that my so called all wise all mature grandfather played the victim and acted like nothing they did was wrong. 

I am fortunate to have my mother and brother as well as my maternal side of the family. I have a loving husband and a beautiful daughter. And a ton of friends that I have made along the way. Time does heal all wounds and what goes around comes around. That is what I firmly believe in.

One Month

Oh. My. Goodness. I woke up this morning and realized, `hmm my baby is 11 months old today.' *gulp* That means in one month (to the day) she will be one year old. One year to the day I was in the hospital wondering when she is going to get here...am I going to have her on my birthday? {My birthday is the day after Willow's.}

Hugs for Daddy!

                                                             

Being goofy with Mama

          Ah, the joys of parenthood. She is the apple of my eye and as each stage comes and goes I am falling more and more in love with my little angel.

Bring on 2012!

So I went to the college I was interested in yesterday afternoon. I talked with an education consultant and we figured out what course I am going to take. {Medical Transcription} Then they had me do an assessment test, both timed and not timed, as well as a typing test. And the results were...I did very well! I was only supposed to get 60% and I got 80%!! So I am quite happy with that.


Now, they mentioned tuition and books and whatnot...and it costs a whopping 10,700 dollars to go to this school.Now there is a government funded program that allows students doing full time schooling to get a loan for tuition and living costs...but that would put me into 30,000 dollars worth of debt. {Yeah...no} But there is another way to get government funding for the tuition and living expenses and the government really helps out. So I am going to look into that once my unemployment kicks in and see what can be done for January.


In the meantime, not only are my meds helping with the whole anxiety, moods, and relationship aspects of my life, but I am enjoying being a stay at home mom. {for the time being that is.} I am not frantically looking for another means of employment, {although I will not turn down any offers} and I am "more fun" according to my husband. Which means that in the short week that I have been taking the medication he has noticed a difference.

So although I have had a rough go of 2011 I can feel that 2012 has a lot of good things in store for me and my family. I am excited to welcome it and to see what the future has in store for us!

Nom nom nom good cookie Mom!

Wake me up when September Ends

When I first heard that song, it was in 2001 near the end of it and the whole 9/11 tragedy happened. At first, I thought it was a tribute to the fallen, and a song about how the victims of that horrific day must have felt. But this month being September it seems like it is the perfect theme to my month...


It is day 6 of taking Cymbalta...and I am feeling a lot better...still jobless but I have had an interview already, and I have another one tomorrow. The anxiety attacks I have are more fierce than before...but they are easily fixed. My husband is more understanding that I have this problem...and he has been nothing short of supportive. I realize at first he didn't know how to handle my moods..but its a learning experience for the both of us.


I am very thankful to have him. He and I have overcome some tough stuff and I am determined not to give up on our marriage.

The long winding road

My name is Brittany and just recently I started taking Cymbalta for my anxiety.

Yes I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot control my emotions on my own. It has been a helluva ride through the motions and it has gotten to the point where my moods and my feelings are really starting to affect my world around me. And as much as I didn't and fought against taking mood altering drugs of any kind...I knew something had to be done before the worst happened...I would be divorced and only see my child on alternating weekends.

Being told that the only reason you are still co-habiting with someone you thought you loved is due to the fact that the two of you have procreated a child together is a real sobering thought. Being told, you are not someone I want to be around on a regular basis is not only heart wrenching but an eye opener as to 'Hey, maybe I am in fact part of the problem...'

I am realizing that I have limitations...and that was shown in recent days where I could not get out of bed in the morning and in fact lost my job because of it...and that no matter how hard I can try to get things to go right they just won't always go that way.

I have neurotically applied for so many jobs in the fear that I lose my current position {kinda important in recent days} But I am talking about applying for 30-50 jobs a day for the past 6 weeks. So I went to my doctor on the 6th of September and filled him in on how I had been feeling. I told him how I used alcohol to feel happy and how the occasional weekend drink turned into every weekend drinking, and then was seeping into my workweek. He said I need to start on a low dose and if need be gradually up my dosage and perhaps speak to a psychologist...

It has been very hard to come to terms with how I am feeling. And been very hard to own up to mistakes I have made in regards to relationships. But I am taking it one day at a time and hoping that at the end of it all I still have the people around me that I love and love me in return.

Here's to all the moms, dads, sons, daughters, siblings, and relatives who suffer silently on a daily basis and who deal with and live with someone feeling like this everyday. It's a tough issue and to succeed in waking up everyday is AMAZING.

Thankfulness

At what point does one sit back and say, wow, my life is amazing! I was thinking about this as I woke up this morning. I stopped and realized that yeah. My life truly is amazing. I basically have it all. A roof over my head, food to eat. I have a job...something that is hard to come by these days. 

But most of all I have my two most important people in my life...my family. Hubs is the best father any mom could ask for her daughter, very loyal and protective...she will never want for anything because he is ready and willing to give her the world.

My little princess, almost 10 months old and the apple of my eye. With each stage she is more fun, more animated. Already growing into the independent beautiful girl I know she will be. She does awesome things like talk, babble, she understands what I tell her and for the most part she listens and obeys. {Again, for the most part.} She does say no, she is crawling like a champ and lately she has started pulling herself up to a standing position. {YAY} 

I am thankful for what I have because a lot of people don't have it as good. There are a lot of people jobless, who don't know where their next meal is coming from. My heart goes out to the children who don't have both parents, or who have been afflicted by poverty, homelessness, abuse of some kind or another. I long for a time where there is no abuse against children and animals. 

I read in the paper today about a young baby who was taken to the hospital in the middle of the night due to being slashed several times. And the only man who was home was taken into custody. How can someone do that to their child? Just slash them causing them pain...

Anyone who can cause pain to children, animals or the elderly are monsters. Ganging up on defenseless people and creatures who want nothing more but to love and be loved in return is just wrong. And anyone causing pain to a child for ANY reason should have the pain inflicted on them 100 fold. 

Alright I am done ranting. Off to tend to the family. Until next time!

Tiring Tuesday...

What a day...

Had a migraine all day long and made more mistakes than I normally do...not cool...like I need to give them a reason to fire me! And it was just one thing after another too...like for example in my job there is a two part to it...first of you key and input the applications in the system and then you quality control or check for mistakes.

Well yesterday I had met my quota...(300 applications or more per day) and so after my last break I decided to put the 4th batch I took back and "QC" instead. Well not only did that make my team leads mad and I was "spoken to" at the time...so I thought it was dealt with. Um...no. I was also spoken to today by my manager and when I tried to explain it to her it was simply like I had not said anything at all. It was very frustrating. =(

I am tired of this whole worrying if I am going to be fired the next day or not...that's not how a job is supposed to be...and I just want to be somewhere I don't have to look for another job within 6 months. It's not only exhausting...it's time consuming and irritating.

Anyways, that's my rant...I feel a lot better now...and I am off to enjoy the evening with hubby as babydoll is already asleep in her bed! <3

My Poem for my Baby.

From the moment we met I knew it was love.

Nothing else mattered it was all I thought of.

Nine months of waiting and three years of trying

The joyful tears fall, why yes I am crying.

You now are my world at nine months of age

I'm enjoying your growth..I love every stage.

Your giggles and laughs make my heart melt.

I can't put to words the feelings I have felt.

Your eyes are bright as they discover the world.

My ever so clever beautiful baby girl.

I wish nothing but the best throughout your whole life

That you are happy and healthy and free from all strife.

Mommy loves you princess! <3 <3

Life.

Ah, a fresh blog. Where I can put all my thoughts and feelings down save and walk away. LOL.

A little bit of a background on me: I am an (almost) 24 year old mother of one...with a rocky (at times) marriage to the love of my life. I am currently working a government job 44 hours a week and we have 2 cats and a gecko.

So without further ado...welcome to the life of a girlie girl!


*CURRENTLY*

It is Sunday...my morning to get up with the babe and letting hubs sleep in. (He is home with our daughter all week and so I give him the one day to sleep in and I am up in the morning with her.)She is into her Treehouse shows, (preferably Barney, Toopy and Binoo and Franklin)...which helps out a lot. (Especially when I want to get some chores done...)

But besides my Sundays with my girl, I have been pretty frazzled lately. And I don't understand how to deal with it..it started when I got this (what I thought was amazing) job working for a feeder plant into GM. And it was amazing...for about a month. And then some bad shit started happening. I was to the point where my anxiety was so bad I wouldn't eat...I was stressed out all the time. Never saw my family...and then one night at work a fellow coworker got me into the basement and sexually harassed me. Asking me to have sex with him, groping me...etc. And so I reported him, and when I did report him he was given a slap on the wrist and told not to do it again. I was told it was my fault etc. etc. So while on holidays another opportunity arose and I took it...and quit that job. But my hubs is off work and I took a 3 dollar an hour pay cut...so money has been an abomination. And so I am stressed. Applying for jobs while juggling EVERYTHING else. (Family, fulltime work, household duties)

So on top of everything that I have to do...hubs always wants me doing more. Make dinner when I get home...feed the baby, make bottles for the next day. {DO I NOT DO ENOUGH?!?!?!?!} He wants a "break" from the baby. Ummm, excuse me, but the baby is your full time job until October...you have chosen this over making money. Alas, he complains on top of the above,  I have too much attitude for him to handle. And he is just about done with me. The only reason he stays is because of our child. (Sidenote: I KNOW I can be a bitch. However, with everything on my mind and no means of support I think for some of the time I am entitled to being cranky at least some of the time...if not I stand corrected.) To hear and see that other people get treated better because their attitude is not similar to mine...really blows. And I am at my wits end. He is telling me I need to change...when am I going to change? But the reality is we both need to make adjustments, we BOTH need to work on how we treat the other person. We BOTH need to take a step back and re-evaluate where we are headed in this rat race called life.

That way we can remain a strong family unit...remain deeply in love....and stay together til we get old.