Dear Husband:
I do not know what side of the bed you woke up on this morning but the way you spoke to me is completely unacceptable. I have spent my entire day off running around getting groceries and household necessities...things you take for granted that I will make sure to get for you.
Shopping takes time. Especially in big name stores that are one stop shops like Walmart. So if I spend a couple of hours walking around making sure I have gotten everything the household needs sobeit. I always make sure i home with enough time for you to get to work when you need to be there.
You make comments like I don't take out the garbage, the living room is always a mess, I am merely lazy! Well when you wake up at 5am to get to school to sit through a 4 hour lecture and try to retain it while then coming home to a very active 15 month old and being with her and juggling attention to her and doing my homework, doing bathtime and bedtime and then cleaning up and doing homework...all while being very exhausted. Then I usually feel bad if I don't cook you some sort of dinner and so I struggle to stay awake to make you something hot for when you get home.
Yet you have the nerve to call me horrific names, and tell me I am not doing a good job...maybe not in so many words but instead of thank you for trying your best babe I am proud of you is there anything I can do to help, you let me know that you are NOT helping me bring up the groceries nor will you bring our child down so my mother can look after her. Being difficult gets you nowhere but alone. And there may come a time when that has to happen. I cannot take your verbal teardowns on top of everything I am doing. I am already exhausted from doing everything....something has gotta give somewhere.
Just thought you should know how I feel...I feel saddened, alone, and frustrated and angry. You want something done then give me the support and help I need to work together and do things around the house.
Sincerely,
Your Wife
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Monday, 23 January 2012
*Sigh*
I feel like a failure...to a degree at least. I have been in my pharmacology class for about a week now and my average is 82.5%. Yes that may be a decent mark but it is not a very good mark in my books considering the class before it I was getting 98%.
Today I had my midterm exam, a unit quiz, as well as a lecture to listen to somewhat. Oh who am I kidding...I studied for my midterm...
As it was I left 8 questions out of 100 blank. Just couldn't remember them for the life of me.
I just don't want to lose my husband's faith in me.
Today I had my midterm exam, a unit quiz, as well as a lecture to listen to somewhat. Oh who am I kidding...I studied for my midterm...
As it was I left 8 questions out of 100 blank. Just couldn't remember them for the life of me.
I just don't want to lose my husband's faith in me.
Sunday, 22 January 2012
B to the Itch
It has definitely been awhile since I have blogged. The theme of my post this morning is bitchy women. Not that some women are not bitchy but there are a lot that have the bitch gene in them. I tend to have bitchy moments, but I wouldn't say I am necessarily a bitch in the purest form.
There are about 20 women in my pharmacology class. I guarantee you at least 50% of them are all out bitches. You know the ones that come into the class to bitch and complain and be loud and obnoxious cause HEY! Who's gonna stop them? And I dare anyone to try.
My class has way too much estrogen. Sadly I am in the middle of the class and I hear stuff I don't need to hear on a regular basis, like, "he was out all night and when I questioned him about it he said it was none of my business where he was." Well sweetheart if he is 23 years older than you and he is telling you it is none of your business where he's at then maybe JUST MAYBE he's just not that into you. Also, same girl found out she is pregnant. Now I don't know if she decided to keep it or not but the way she was talking about going out for ladies night to drink makes me kinda want to lean towards NOT keeping the baby. (For the baby's sake because FAS is so much worse to live with than not existing at all. I am completely pro-life.)
Also, it drives me nuts when I try to help someone and they take my head off...makes me want to get a nice ice ball and chuck it at the back of their head knocking them out cold. I don't have any friends in the class ON PURPOSE because I cannot stand being friends with that many women. I am friendly. I talk, but there will be no cosmos one evening after work, there will be no facebook adding.
Over the past three years I have been networking my career friends and now, it's a new leaf I don't want to be helpful to anyone. I am not going to help anyone get ahead. But anyways, I write my midterm on Monday and the rest of the class writes it on Thursday so my seatmate was like let me see the review and I was like sorry I have to go. Like come on seriously?!?!?! As if I will enable you to cheat.
Bottom line: women are bitches and any woman that says she is not is a LIAR. Stay away from her.
There are about 20 women in my pharmacology class. I guarantee you at least 50% of them are all out bitches. You know the ones that come into the class to bitch and complain and be loud and obnoxious cause HEY! Who's gonna stop them? And I dare anyone to try.
My class has way too much estrogen. Sadly I am in the middle of the class and I hear stuff I don't need to hear on a regular basis, like, "he was out all night and when I questioned him about it he said it was none of my business where he was." Well sweetheart if he is 23 years older than you and he is telling you it is none of your business where he's at then maybe JUST MAYBE he's just not that into you. Also, same girl found out she is pregnant. Now I don't know if she decided to keep it or not but the way she was talking about going out for ladies night to drink makes me kinda want to lean towards NOT keeping the baby. (For the baby's sake because FAS is so much worse to live with than not existing at all. I am completely pro-life.)
Also, it drives me nuts when I try to help someone and they take my head off...makes me want to get a nice ice ball and chuck it at the back of their head knocking them out cold. I don't have any friends in the class ON PURPOSE because I cannot stand being friends with that many women. I am friendly. I talk, but there will be no cosmos one evening after work, there will be no facebook adding.
Over the past three years I have been networking my career friends and now, it's a new leaf I don't want to be helpful to anyone. I am not going to help anyone get ahead. But anyways, I write my midterm on Monday and the rest of the class writes it on Thursday so my seatmate was like let me see the review and I was like sorry I have to go. Like come on seriously?!?!?! As if I will enable you to cheat.
Bottom line: women are bitches and any woman that says she is not is a LIAR. Stay away from her.
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Insecurities
I am going to take this post back to the year of 2003/4. I had been dealing with being schooled through correspondence courses due to the fact that I couldn't be at a normal school. {My mother's thinking but to be honest I would agree with it 100%.} Now, I had never thought my parent's to be the type to split up...they kept the peace so well that my brother and I never heard or felt a thing.
But I still remember so vividly the day when I was down in the basement of the house I spent 8 years in and my mother telling me that my dad was going to leave. I was devastated, as was she and she stood there telling me he didn't love her anymore and that he was going to move out. This was about April or May of 2004.
Since then I have an immense fear that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work at things...I feel like I am going to be left by my husband. I don't feel worthy of his love and although I love him deeply and unconditionally, I am constantly worried that it's not enough.
I know it's not fair to paint him with the same brush as my father. But it's not just in the father department that I am worried about. I have a hard time making friends...and when I do make friends, they all move away. And then we lose touch. So although I make friends, I keep a lot of them arms' length away. I have no idea why I do it. But it has led to many years of loneliness.
It's really hard to know he has female friends. I have somewhat come to terms with him having friends that are female...but my insecurities still get the better of me. And I lashed out last night, I know I shouldn't have but I was having a bad night and decided that picking a fight with him was better than keeping the peace. Anything I was feeling came out and not only that I also showed my weakness and I cried. Names were thrown and it wasn't a pretty picture. So although I have blown up and moved on he's still reeling from it.
A friend recently told me that she wished someone loved her. My response to that was love is usually a game and no matter how hard you try you could lose at the drop of a dime. I love being happy and in love but I hate the bullshit games that come with it.All of this stems from watching what my parents went through. And I am trying my damnest to ensure none of that happens to my daughter. The results are devastating.
But I still remember so vividly the day when I was down in the basement of the house I spent 8 years in and my mother telling me that my dad was going to leave. I was devastated, as was she and she stood there telling me he didn't love her anymore and that he was going to move out. This was about April or May of 2004.
Since then I have an immense fear that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work at things...I feel like I am going to be left by my husband. I don't feel worthy of his love and although I love him deeply and unconditionally, I am constantly worried that it's not enough.
I know it's not fair to paint him with the same brush as my father. But it's not just in the father department that I am worried about. I have a hard time making friends...and when I do make friends, they all move away. And then we lose touch. So although I make friends, I keep a lot of them arms' length away. I have no idea why I do it. But it has led to many years of loneliness.
It's really hard to know he has female friends. I have somewhat come to terms with him having friends that are female...but my insecurities still get the better of me. And I lashed out last night, I know I shouldn't have but I was having a bad night and decided that picking a fight with him was better than keeping the peace. Anything I was feeling came out and not only that I also showed my weakness and I cried. Names were thrown and it wasn't a pretty picture. So although I have blown up and moved on he's still reeling from it.
A friend recently told me that she wished someone loved her. My response to that was love is usually a game and no matter how hard you try you could lose at the drop of a dime. I love being happy and in love but I hate the bullshit games that come with it.All of this stems from watching what my parents went through. And I am trying my damnest to ensure none of that happens to my daughter. The results are devastating.
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Planning the Anniversary
So, I have been thinking and thinking on what I want to do for my 4 year anniversary. And because we have a little extra money I want to make it good. I live in Oshawa Ontario and anyone who lives near there or lives there knows that there is nothing good to do here. Nothing except drink and make 17 year old girls pregnant. Soo, seeing as how I am neither a big drinker, nor do I have the right parts to make any girl pregnant let alone a 17 year old I figure I have to look outside my city to find something anniversary worthy.
So our first thought was to stay at the hotel in Oshawa and branch out from there. But then I was talking to a really good friend of mine and she said that to go to Niagara Falls and get a room there and be right by Clifton Hill and all the attractions would be the same amount of money. So I looked it up for the dates I want it for and she is absolutely right.
So it seems like that's where we are going for our anniversary. I am so excited. I am now able to take Anthony to places around Ontario that he has never been before. Like, we have been here since July of 2007 and he hasn't even really been to Toronto. I took him to Wonderland (a theme park just outside of Toronto.) But I haven't been able to take him anywhere nice...so I am pretty stoked to be able to take him places.
So our first thought was to stay at the hotel in Oshawa and branch out from there. But then I was talking to a really good friend of mine and she said that to go to Niagara Falls and get a room there and be right by Clifton Hill and all the attractions would be the same amount of money. So I looked it up for the dates I want it for and she is absolutely right.
So it seems like that's where we are going for our anniversary. I am so excited. I am now able to take Anthony to places around Ontario that he has never been before. Like, we have been here since July of 2007 and he hasn't even really been to Toronto. I took him to Wonderland (a theme park just outside of Toronto.) But I haven't been able to take him anywhere nice...so I am pretty stoked to be able to take him places.
D Day. Monday January 16th 2012
So I know I was supposed to be starting my eating regime last Monday. But I just bought a scale today so I am completely ready to start this diet as of this coming Monday. And as long as I stick to my regime I can lose 2-3 pounds a week until April and then I will be adding the gym to my regime after I have dropped some weight. There are 12 weeks between now and the date I want to join the gym.
Do I have a goal? Why yes I do. I want to lose a great deal of my weight by the 14th of June. That is my anniversary and Anthony and I are having a baby free weekend and enjoying the time together. My goal is to have lost quite a chunk of my weight by then. Also? I have the goal to have all my weight off by February 2013 because we are going on a 4 day three night cruise hopefully to the bahamas or something and I want my man to have a hot mama on his arm.
No I am not losing this weight because he wants me to. No I am not doing it to keep him interested. I am losing weight to make myself look and feel good as well as to feel good on the couple of special events I have coming up.
I will be posting at least once a week on my diet and how it is going! So psyched to finally get the ball rolling!
Do I have a goal? Why yes I do. I want to lose a great deal of my weight by the 14th of June. That is my anniversary and Anthony and I are having a baby free weekend and enjoying the time together. My goal is to have lost quite a chunk of my weight by then. Also? I have the goal to have all my weight off by February 2013 because we are going on a 4 day three night cruise hopefully to the bahamas or something and I want my man to have a hot mama on his arm.
No I am not losing this weight because he wants me to. No I am not doing it to keep him interested. I am losing weight to make myself look and feel good as well as to feel good on the couple of special events I have coming up.
I will be posting at least once a week on my diet and how it is going! So psyched to finally get the ball rolling!
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Domesti-what?
So, I think I am becoming a tad...domesticated.
Yeah that's right, I said it. And I don't necessarily like doing chores. In fact, I downright hated them. But lately, I don't know what it is...maybe I am becoming comfortable in my own skin...maybe I don't want to turn out like those people on Hoarders, but I am in a real cleaning fix.
Since being off the antidepressants I am more energized to do such things as clean the kitchen and bathroom. {Hubby has the living room and dining area.} I love my house being clean and tidy for if I have people over and whatnot. Now, mind you my room looks like a tornado hit it but that's because my room is merely a place to sleep in. And the baby sleeps in our room until we upgrade to a 2 bedroom in April and so it's definitely not the way I want it. But I figure that if I can keep up with the parts of the house people see and are in for the most part than I am doing pretty good.
My favorite place to clean would have to be the kitchen. Something about it being a woman's domain mixed with the place most people see just gives me more stamina to clean it on a regular basis. Best thing? Hubs has seen me make an effort and is helping me out by cleaning his areas and helping me with mine from time to time.
I think the worst thing for me is the whole allowing my place to get as awful as the places on television with the cockroaches and dead kittens littering the spaces in their homes that the trash and such don't reach. I will not raise my children in someplace like that.
So below is my masterpieces, the kitchen and the bathroom. I am quite happy with it.
Yeah that's right, I said it. And I don't necessarily like doing chores. In fact, I downright hated them. But lately, I don't know what it is...maybe I am becoming comfortable in my own skin...maybe I don't want to turn out like those people on Hoarders, but I am in a real cleaning fix.
Since being off the antidepressants I am more energized to do such things as clean the kitchen and bathroom. {Hubby has the living room and dining area.} I love my house being clean and tidy for if I have people over and whatnot. Now, mind you my room looks like a tornado hit it but that's because my room is merely a place to sleep in. And the baby sleeps in our room until we upgrade to a 2 bedroom in April and so it's definitely not the way I want it. But I figure that if I can keep up with the parts of the house people see and are in for the most part than I am doing pretty good.
My favorite place to clean would have to be the kitchen. Something about it being a woman's domain mixed with the place most people see just gives me more stamina to clean it on a regular basis. Best thing? Hubs has seen me make an effort and is helping me out by cleaning his areas and helping me with mine from time to time.
I think the worst thing for me is the whole allowing my place to get as awful as the places on television with the cockroaches and dead kittens littering the spaces in their homes that the trash and such don't reach. I will not raise my children in someplace like that.
So below is my masterpieces, the kitchen and the bathroom. I am quite happy with it.
Virtually debt free!
Paying off debt is a wonderful feeling. In the past week alone I have paid off three big bills I had {well 2 were bills and one was my books for school.} But it is like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I cannot believe that this year has been going so well. Now, if only I could graduate and get a decent job after it's all said and done then I will be good to go!
I hate being the one to go to my mother and say to her "Can I borrow some money?" I really don't want her thinking I am a failure. Not that she would but it's my own feelings of insecurities and need to prove that I can do it. And so when she helped me as much as she did this past month, I was a little anxious to get her paid off when my OSAP came in. So now I am out of debt with her, I am out of debt with Rogers and I will be applying for a student visa on Monday to rebuild my credit.
I feel wonderful and it just seems like this year is going to be my year. So bring it on 2012!!!
I hate being the one to go to my mother and say to her "Can I borrow some money?" I really don't want her thinking I am a failure. Not that she would but it's my own feelings of insecurities and need to prove that I can do it. And so when she helped me as much as she did this past month, I was a little anxious to get her paid off when my OSAP came in. So now I am out of debt with her, I am out of debt with Rogers and I will be applying for a student visa on Monday to rebuild my credit.
I feel wonderful and it just seems like this year is going to be my year. So bring it on 2012!!!
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Don't Cry for Me Argentina!
Today is a day I could sit and cry. Nothing happened. Nothing is wrong. I just feel like crying. To be honest I have not felt like this in a long ass time. I have not felt the need to cry, I have not prompted tears to come due to being on emotion numbing antidepressants. I hated feeling so numb like I wasn't even there. My body was there and what seemed like a person was in the shell/body. But I have gone off the antidepressants since Monday. And I haven't had any bad withdrawals, probably because I am still on my mood stabilizers.
I also have my monthly friend this week. And it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would have been. But that may be why I have the need to cry and shed tears. I don't like the feeling but at least I feel a lot more normal now.
I also have my monthly friend this week. And it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would have been. But that may be why I have the need to cry and shed tears. I don't like the feeling but at least I feel a lot more normal now.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Almost midweek
So I have to go back to the dentist. I was just there on Friday to get a cavity filled. I knew he should have pulled the tooth but he insisted that it could be filled and then I would be fine. But then afterwards he told me I should keep an eye on it and if it gets bad to come back and he will extract it. Every single time I go there I get charged. So I am going to get this one removed and that`s it. I am going to take care of my mouth and teeth and when I get pregnant again I will take a calcium supplement.
So, in other news, I went off my antidepressant and I am sticking with the mood stabilizer. I feel amazing, my moods are wonderful and I don't feel like I am numb and like I want to hurt myself in order to feel. My mom noticed a change in me and it was for the better. I am definitely happy about that.
I am off to bed, up early for school tomorrow. My final for anatomy is on Friday...eek!!!
So, in other news, I went off my antidepressant and I am sticking with the mood stabilizer. I feel amazing, my moods are wonderful and I don't feel like I am numb and like I want to hurt myself in order to feel. My mom noticed a change in me and it was for the better. I am definitely happy about that.
I am off to bed, up early for school tomorrow. My final for anatomy is on Friday...eek!!!
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Igloos and snowflakes
As the rain falls against my face
The memories of you I cannot erase
For once upon a time things always seemed
Like it was perfect, the best kind of dream.
But as if a blink of an eye and it was gone
I am not sure how we all will go on.
The way you left us was so unfair
I am wondering why you didn't even care!
None of us knew you were hurting so much
I don't think you realized how many lives you touched.
I read your last words and tears filled my eyes.
And you know how much it takes for me to cry!
Your dad is devastated, your mom is a mess
She keeps wringing her hands and adjusting her dress.
The minister is here to start with his speech.
Cars line up the parking lot and spill out into the street.
The Smiths came with their five kids in tow
And as the last ones walk in the rain turns to snow.
I remember you and I outside catching flakes.
And playing in the igloo we built making snowcakes.
I wish I had the chance to say one more thing before you died.
To tell you I love you, or hold you while you cried.
To get back together and try one more time.
I realized too late how great it was that you were mine.
I'm glad you're no longer hurting but sad that you are gone.
Your memory will last even as we all go on.
I will miss you more and more each day
Saddened that I didn't get to say what I needed to say.
The memories of you I cannot erase
For once upon a time things always seemed
Like it was perfect, the best kind of dream.
But as if a blink of an eye and it was gone
I am not sure how we all will go on.
The way you left us was so unfair
I am wondering why you didn't even care!
None of us knew you were hurting so much
I don't think you realized how many lives you touched.
I read your last words and tears filled my eyes.
And you know how much it takes for me to cry!
Your dad is devastated, your mom is a mess
She keeps wringing her hands and adjusting her dress.
The minister is here to start with his speech.
Cars line up the parking lot and spill out into the street.
The Smiths came with their five kids in tow
And as the last ones walk in the rain turns to snow.
I remember you and I outside catching flakes.
And playing in the igloo we built making snowcakes.
I wish I had the chance to say one more thing before you died.
To tell you I love you, or hold you while you cried.
To get back together and try one more time.
I realized too late how great it was that you were mine.
I'm glad you're no longer hurting but sad that you are gone.
Your memory will last even as we all go on.
I will miss you more and more each day
Saddened that I didn't get to say what I needed to say.
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Mechanical Feelings
It's very difficult to explain to someone "normal" how messed up your brain is. To tell them you can't do something even if you look physically able to do that one particular thing. "You don't look sick." "Suck it up and just do it." Or my favorite one to date is simply, "you are young what do you need to be depressed about?"
Ignorant ignorant people. And the worse part yet is trying to explain to your family and loved ones how you are feeling. One minute I could be incredibly elated and everything could be going wonderfully. The next, I am upset, angry, infuriated, and not even know the reason for such strong feelings. I have wanted to cry more in the past 3 weeks than I ever have in my entire life. But the pills I am on prohibit me from crying. I literally cannot cry. I feel numb, like I am on autobot. Like my life is passing me by and I cannot feel anything.
Needless to say, I don't necessarily want to cry. Sometimes you need to release your emotions and cry a good cry, get a good night's sleep and then wake up feeling relaxed and happy. Try explaining that to someone. I am going to be making an appointment to be an outpatient at the hospital in the mental health department. I just want to feel. I want a nice balance of being able to feel and being able to function. But I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too. I have to have one over the other and to be honest, I think I will take not being on the brink of a divorce and having my family close to me than feeling emotions and my world crumbling out of control.
Everything is going right. I guess I should be happy that everything is going like I am wonderful and happy. Also, we will see how things go with the psychiatrist. Hopefully they can help.
Ignorant ignorant people. And the worse part yet is trying to explain to your family and loved ones how you are feeling. One minute I could be incredibly elated and everything could be going wonderfully. The next, I am upset, angry, infuriated, and not even know the reason for such strong feelings. I have wanted to cry more in the past 3 weeks than I ever have in my entire life. But the pills I am on prohibit me from crying. I literally cannot cry. I feel numb, like I am on autobot. Like my life is passing me by and I cannot feel anything.
Needless to say, I don't necessarily want to cry. Sometimes you need to release your emotions and cry a good cry, get a good night's sleep and then wake up feeling relaxed and happy. Try explaining that to someone. I am going to be making an appointment to be an outpatient at the hospital in the mental health department. I just want to feel. I want a nice balance of being able to feel and being able to function. But I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too. I have to have one over the other and to be honest, I think I will take not being on the brink of a divorce and having my family close to me than feeling emotions and my world crumbling out of control.
Everything is going right. I guess I should be happy that everything is going like I am wonderful and happy. Also, we will see how things go with the psychiatrist. Hopefully they can help.
New Beginnings
So I said I wanted to lose weight a certain amount by the time I am graduating college right? Well I am starting this as of Monday January 9th. I am cutting out all soda, sugar, and I am going to be eating uber healthy as well as increasing my water intake. (From 2 litres to 4) And then by the time April comes I will be joining the gym to add to my weight loss. I am really excited to do this and lose the 60 pounds of weight I need to to look and feel decent. I am not going to stray from it. As I have already bought a lot of veggies to eat healthily, it shouldn't be too bad to eat healthy. I just need to cut out the other bad stuff. Like the Tim Horton's Ice Caps. They have the caloric count of a Big Mac. So I will be keeping my blog updated and writing down all my feelings and experiences.
I will beat the battle of the bulge and make 2012 my year to lose weight.
I will beat the battle of the bulge and make 2012 my year to lose weight.
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Longing for the Beach
I have a problem within myself. I cannot accept that I have limitations. Having this disease makes me feel broken and worthless. I feel like I am a prisoner to the medication and need it to survive. And that is not me. That is not how my mother raised me to be. She raised me to be a strong independent woman and one who could make it on her own without the need for other people in my space.
I hate the term "bi polar" it makes me feel like I have a disease. I am no good. I also hate the term manic depressive. It makes me feel like I am a psycho. But alas that is what I am, bi-polar. I am on medication that make it near impossible to cry, that messes with other parts of my life, so although I feel calm and happy, other things are fucked.
Being on medication I feel like I am dependent. I feel like if I didn't have these little pills I would have to be strapped to a bed and locked away. Right now the only thing that I have the most energy for is my daughter. I am thankful that I am able to be a good mom to her and a good wife to my husband. Who has been amazing throughout it all. Yes he gets on my nerves, but everyone does. It's not just him. It's who I am and my own pet peeve.
I don't know why I feel the way I do. I feel like this all the time. I just want 5 days where I am not responsible for anything or anyone. Where I can be on the beach, (preferably with my mom) or by the pool and do absolutely nothing. To be waited on, massaged daily, sleep by the pool if I want to.
I am exhausted in so many ways, I have not slept well for the past year. The year before that I was working full time and pregnant. Then two months after my daughter was born I was back into a full time job. I have been stressed, working, and worrying about bills, rent, budget etc. And, on top of it all I am struggling with a mental disorder that I barely understand what's happening to me.
I just need a break..
I hate the term "bi polar" it makes me feel like I have a disease. I am no good. I also hate the term manic depressive. It makes me feel like I am a psycho. But alas that is what I am, bi-polar. I am on medication that make it near impossible to cry, that messes with other parts of my life, so although I feel calm and happy, other things are fucked.
Being on medication I feel like I am dependent. I feel like if I didn't have these little pills I would have to be strapped to a bed and locked away. Right now the only thing that I have the most energy for is my daughter. I am thankful that I am able to be a good mom to her and a good wife to my husband. Who has been amazing throughout it all. Yes he gets on my nerves, but everyone does. It's not just him. It's who I am and my own pet peeve.
I don't know why I feel the way I do. I feel like this all the time. I just want 5 days where I am not responsible for anything or anyone. Where I can be on the beach, (preferably with my mom) or by the pool and do absolutely nothing. To be waited on, massaged daily, sleep by the pool if I want to.
I am exhausted in so many ways, I have not slept well for the past year. The year before that I was working full time and pregnant. Then two months after my daughter was born I was back into a full time job. I have been stressed, working, and worrying about bills, rent, budget etc. And, on top of it all I am struggling with a mental disorder that I barely understand what's happening to me.
I just need a break..
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Blue Tears Kept at Bay
So I am on the first week of taking my antipsychotic medication and to be honest I am noticing a big difference in myself. Most for the good...but other things not so good.
I'll deal with the bad first and end my post with the happy side of being on these medications. I am paranoid all the time that everyone is mad at me. Like my husband, like my friends, even my mom. I am constantly second guessing that my hubby is not upset with me. I feel like I am going crazy!
Also, my libido...GONE! No sex drive whatsoever and whenever hubby wants it I lose interest halfway through, or just get angry that he wants to have sex! Anger?!?! WTF?? That's not supposed to happen. I just don't see the need to have sex. I would much rather cuddle and snuggle up together. I more so enjoy his company now rather than need him to show me he loves me in a physical intimate way. Granted I know I will need sex sooner or later but it is almost nice not having the desire constantly and being content with being held. So it's not so much bad as it is unusual but I could live without anger during sex. Another bad thing is I am unable to shed tears. Well I mean if I hurt myself I can tear up. But in order to get my feelings out I have always cried in the past and now it feels like I cannot cry for more than 5 minutes. I know what person in their right mind would want to cry for more than 5 minutes? But I mean like a release type of crying. I can't do it. It's like I'll start and then within 5 minutes the feeling passes and I just stop. I don't like the almost numb feeling I get.
Now onto the good things. Well I am back to school as of this week and taking the Zyprexa at night before bed. Not only am I more functional at school but I am really more functional around the house. I cook, I clean and when I mean clean I mean not the half assed way I used to clean. I scrub, I clean, I make sure I do all the nooks and crannies, I even do the KITTY LITTER. Something I never ever do. But last night I astounded myself and I think I shocked my husband. For I started, prepped, cooked, served an amazing meal of pork, mashed potatoes and veggies. And then I cleaned up afterwards!!!! I impressed him so much he didn't hound me to make LO's bottles. Which is something he does on a regular basis and I understand why..he wants me to pitch in and pull my weight around here. I get it.
It feels amazing to be a mom who does things rather than just sit on the couch in a mopey mood. And I am excelling in school and loving every minute of doing it. I jsut hope this lasts because although there are a few downfalls to being on this medication, being a functional member of society has made me feel absolutely amazing!!!!
I'll deal with the bad first and end my post with the happy side of being on these medications. I am paranoid all the time that everyone is mad at me. Like my husband, like my friends, even my mom. I am constantly second guessing that my hubby is not upset with me. I feel like I am going crazy!
Also, my libido...GONE! No sex drive whatsoever and whenever hubby wants it I lose interest halfway through, or just get angry that he wants to have sex! Anger?!?! WTF?? That's not supposed to happen. I just don't see the need to have sex. I would much rather cuddle and snuggle up together. I more so enjoy his company now rather than need him to show me he loves me in a physical intimate way. Granted I know I will need sex sooner or later but it is almost nice not having the desire constantly and being content with being held. So it's not so much bad as it is unusual but I could live without anger during sex. Another bad thing is I am unable to shed tears. Well I mean if I hurt myself I can tear up. But in order to get my feelings out I have always cried in the past and now it feels like I cannot cry for more than 5 minutes. I know what person in their right mind would want to cry for more than 5 minutes? But I mean like a release type of crying. I can't do it. It's like I'll start and then within 5 minutes the feeling passes and I just stop. I don't like the almost numb feeling I get.
Now onto the good things. Well I am back to school as of this week and taking the Zyprexa at night before bed. Not only am I more functional at school but I am really more functional around the house. I cook, I clean and when I mean clean I mean not the half assed way I used to clean. I scrub, I clean, I make sure I do all the nooks and crannies, I even do the KITTY LITTER. Something I never ever do. But last night I astounded myself and I think I shocked my husband. For I started, prepped, cooked, served an amazing meal of pork, mashed potatoes and veggies. And then I cleaned up afterwards!!!! I impressed him so much he didn't hound me to make LO's bottles. Which is something he does on a regular basis and I understand why..he wants me to pitch in and pull my weight around here. I get it.
It feels amazing to be a mom who does things rather than just sit on the couch in a mopey mood. And I am excelling in school and loving every minute of doing it. I jsut hope this lasts because although there are a few downfalls to being on this medication, being a functional member of society has made me feel absolutely amazing!!!!
Monday, 2 January 2012
First post of 2012!!!
Ah!! Happy New Year! *whistles* *fireworks* Alas, I was not awake to ring in the new year as with only 30 minutes left to go I passed right out while snuggled up to hubby watching Hercules. And I must say I was impressed to wake up without any robots, flying cars, and the rapture had not bestowed itself upon us. Take that! 2012 is going to be my year and I know for damn sure nothing is going to stand in my way of making it happen!
I don't really have much to write right now and I am making dinner at the moment. Delicious dinner pork roast, mashed potatoes and veggies with Swiss Chalet sauce as our gravy. And I am in the company of the most handsomest man in the world. Well I like to think so.
Tomorrow it is going to be 50 below freezing...well not really but pretty damn close...ok it will be -25 but in my defense that's halfway to -50!!!!! So I will be braving the elements as I trudge off to school in the arctic weather. Ahaha!
Bottom Line: 2012 is gonna ROCK!
I don't really have much to write right now and I am making dinner at the moment. Delicious dinner pork roast, mashed potatoes and veggies with Swiss Chalet sauce as our gravy. And I am in the company of the most handsomest man in the world. Well I like to think so.
Tomorrow it is going to be 50 below freezing...well not really but pretty damn close...ok it will be -25 but in my defense that's halfway to -50!!!!! So I will be braving the elements as I trudge off to school in the arctic weather. Ahaha!
Bottom Line: 2012 is gonna ROCK!
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