It's very difficult to explain to someone "normal" how messed up your brain is. To tell them you can't do something even if you look physically able to do that one particular thing. "You don't look sick." "Suck it up and just do it." Or my favorite one to date is simply, "you are young what do you need to be depressed about?"
Ignorant ignorant people. And the worse part yet is trying to explain to your family and loved ones how you are feeling. One minute I could be incredibly elated and everything could be going wonderfully. The next, I am upset, angry, infuriated, and not even know the reason for such strong feelings. I have wanted to cry more in the past 3 weeks than I ever have in my entire life. But the pills I am on prohibit me from crying. I literally cannot cry. I feel numb, like I am on autobot. Like my life is passing me by and I cannot feel anything.
Needless to say, I don't necessarily want to cry. Sometimes you need to release your emotions and cry a good cry, get a good night's sleep and then wake up feeling relaxed and happy. Try explaining that to someone. I am going to be making an appointment to be an outpatient at the hospital in the mental health department. I just want to feel. I want a nice balance of being able to feel and being able to function. But I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too. I have to have one over the other and to be honest, I think I will take not being on the brink of a divorce and having my family close to me than feeling emotions and my world crumbling out of control.
Everything is going right. I guess I should be happy that everything is going like I am wonderful and happy. Also, we will see how things go with the psychiatrist. Hopefully they can help.
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