Blue Tears Kept at Bay

So I am on the first week of taking my antipsychotic medication and to be honest I am noticing a big difference in myself. Most for the good...but other things not so good.

I'll deal with the bad first and end my post with the happy side of being on these medications. I am paranoid all the time that everyone is mad at me. Like my husband, like my friends, even my mom. I am constantly second guessing that my hubby is not upset with me. I feel like I am going crazy!
Also, my libido...GONE! No sex drive whatsoever and whenever hubby wants it I lose interest halfway through, or just get angry that he wants to have sex! Anger?!?! WTF?? That's not supposed to happen.  I just don't see the need to have sex. I would much rather cuddle and snuggle up together. I more so enjoy his company now rather than need him to show me he loves me in a physical intimate way. Granted I know I will need sex sooner or later but it is almost nice not having the desire constantly and being content with being held. So it's not so much bad as it is unusual but I could live without anger during sex. Another bad thing is I am unable to shed tears. Well I mean if I hurt myself I can tear up. But in order to get my feelings out I have always cried in the past and now it feels like I cannot cry for more than 5 minutes. I know what person in their right mind would want to cry for more than 5 minutes? But I mean like a release type of crying. I can't do it. It's like I'll start and then within 5 minutes the feeling passes and I just stop. I don't like the almost numb feeling I get.

Now onto the good things. Well I am back to school as of this week and taking the Zyprexa at night before bed. Not only am I more functional at school but I am really more functional around the house. I cook, I clean and when I mean clean I mean not the  half assed way I used to clean. I scrub, I clean, I make sure I do all the nooks and crannies, I even do the KITTY LITTER. Something I never ever do. But last night I astounded myself and I think I shocked my husband. For I started, prepped, cooked, served an amazing meal of pork, mashed potatoes and veggies. And then I cleaned up afterwards!!!! I impressed him so much he didn't hound me to make LO's bottles. Which is something he does on a regular basis and I understand why..he wants me to pitch in and pull my weight around here. I get it.

It feels amazing to be a mom who does things rather than just sit on the couch in a mopey mood. And I am excelling in school and loving every minute of doing it. I jsut hope this lasts because although there are a few downfalls to being on this medication, being a functional member of society has made me feel absolutely amazing!!!!