Longing for the Beach

I have a problem within myself. I cannot accept that I have limitations. Having this disease makes me feel broken and worthless. I feel like I am a prisoner to the medication and need it to survive. And that is not me. That is not how my mother raised me to be. She raised me to be a strong independent woman and one who could make it on her own without the need for other people in my space.

I hate the term "bi polar" it makes me feel like I have a disease. I am no good. I also hate the term manic depressive. It makes me feel like I am a psycho. But alas that is what I am, bi-polar. I am on medication that make it near impossible to cry, that messes with other parts of my life, so although I feel calm and happy, other things are fucked.

Being on medication I feel like I am dependent. I feel like if I didn't have these little pills I would have to be strapped to a bed and locked away. Right now the only thing that I have the most energy for is my daughter. I am thankful that I am able to be a good mom to her and a good wife to my husband. Who has been amazing throughout it all. Yes he gets on my nerves, but everyone does. It's not just him. It's who I am and my own pet peeve.

I don't know why I feel the way I do. I feel like this all the time. I just want 5 days where I am not responsible for anything or anyone. Where I can be on the beach, (preferably with my mom) or by the pool and do absolutely nothing. To be waited on, massaged daily, sleep by the pool if I want to.

I am exhausted in so many ways, I have not slept well for the past year. The year before that I was working full time and pregnant. Then two months after my daughter was born I was back into a full time job. I have been stressed, working, and worrying about bills, rent, budget etc. And, on top of it all I am struggling with a mental disorder that I barely understand what's happening to me.

I just need a break..