Insecurities

I am going to take this post back to the year of 2003/4. I had been dealing with being schooled through correspondence courses due to the fact that I couldn't be at a normal school. {My mother's thinking but to be honest I would agree with it 100%.} Now, I had never thought my parent's to be the type to split up...they kept the peace so well that my brother and I never heard or felt a thing.

But I still remember so vividly the day when I was down in the basement of the house I spent 8 years in and my mother telling me that my dad was going to leave. I was devastated, as was she and she stood there telling me he didn't love her anymore and that he was going to move out. This was about April or May of 2004.

Since then I have an immense fear that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work at things...I feel like I am going to be left by my husband. I don't feel worthy of his love and although I love him deeply and unconditionally, I am constantly worried that it's not enough.

I know it's not fair to paint him with the same brush as my father. But it's not just in the father department that I am worried about. I have a hard time making friends...and when I do make friends, they all move away. And then we lose touch. So although I make friends, I keep a lot of them arms' length away. I have no idea why I do it. But it has led to many years of loneliness.

It's really hard to know he has female friends. I have somewhat come to terms with him having friends that are female...but my insecurities still get the better of me. And I lashed out last night, I know I shouldn't have but I was having a bad night and decided that picking a fight with him was better than keeping the peace. Anything I was feeling came out and not only that I also showed my weakness and I cried. Names were thrown and it wasn't a pretty picture. So although I have blown up and moved on he's still reeling from it.

A friend recently told me that she wished someone loved her. My response to that was love is usually a game and no matter how hard you try you could lose at the drop of a dime. I love being happy and in love but I hate the bullshit games that come with it.All of this stems from watching what my parents went through. And I am trying my damnest to ensure none of that happens to my daughter. The results are devastating.