Best Weekend Ever.

Good Monday morning! It's as cold as all get out outside, the wind is howling and the trees are waving wildly in the middle of it all. I had the best weekend ever! It started with me leaving my house at around 2pm got on the bus and started my journey towards Toronto. It took an hour to get from my place in Oshawa to the Ajax Go Train station and believe me that's exactly how it felt. The smells and sounds on the bus was extremely nauseating. But anyways, I got to the train station around 3:30 and bought my ticket. I still had 20 minutes before my train got there so I bought a bottle of Coke and went to wait on the platform. The train showed up and I took off to meet Maigan at her work. She was a nanny up until Friday and so she gave me directions on how to get there and I made it without a second thought. Boy are Toronto people rude though. {Yikes}

So when I got to her work, we waited for the mother to get home and if I hadn't of been there she would have made Maigan clean her house until 6pm. So we got out of there at like 5:45 and we went on the streetcar for dinner at Mother's Dumplings. ZOMG sooo good. We had such a great time and then we went to the LCBO and got some booze and took a cab back to Maigan's place. We spent the next few hours just talking about everything. And around midnight, I was ready to crash. So she made my bed on the couch {which I absolutely love!} and we went to bed. Her roommate Dave, who is about 35ish, decided it would be cool to get up every hour from 4-7 and he left at 8:30. So I didn't get a good solid sleep till about 7:30am. Slept until 10:30 and then went to the convenience store to grab eggs, bacon, tea and coffee. She made me the best brunch ever, and we just hung out for a few hours then I went to catch the train back home.

All in all it was the best getaway day I have ever had. :D

Mommys day out

So tomorrow is Mommy's day out to Toronto to see one of my best friends for the weekend.

Im so excited because everytime i go there it's such a good time. I will write a post about it on Saturday!!!

Holidays

So it's almost holiday time for the hubby. I am so stoked. Although, I know he will still be sleeping in till 1pm and coming back to bed at around 4am, the fact that I get a week of evenings with him is the best to me. :) I love just knowing he is there with me. Willow loves it too.

Speaking of Willow, she is turning 2 in a week and a half. I cannot believe how quickly it's approaching. And that means the day after I am *gulp* 25! I am 5 years away from 30 and I am not looking forward to turning 30 at all. It's one thing to turn 20, but 30 makes me feel like I am getting old fast. :( lol.

I am making ham, sweet and mashed potatoes, mixed veggies for dinner tonight. Mmmm. And my sister is bringing apple pies from work {I know, how ghetto are we?} So hopefully it will all taste good. :D

Just wanted to pop in and post. Not too much new here.

Cake and lemon water

Yes, not a nice combination in theory...but I am smelling the delicious smell of the french vanilla cake in the oven and drinking my 4th glass of lemon water. {May I add, the cleansing process of lemon water is having an amazing effect on my body.} So, it's now October and things around the house have been pretty amazing. I mean family wise everything is going well. Toddler is up to her mischievous antics, you know, getting into the bathroom and brushing her teeth...sitting in the bathtub playing with Baby Bop, getting the cheese out of the fridge...my list goes on and on. I know it's part of growing up and living and learning. So I try not to stress about it too much.

Things with the Mr. are amazing. We have reconnected as it were since our last little hiccup. I am so glad because I know he is the cheese to my macaroni, the jam to my peanut butter. He is my best friend and we are coming up on 6 years together. Another 4 years and we will be at the 10 year mark. I am so excited to spend my life with someone as amazing as Anthony. I knew after talking to him online for a month, he was the guy I wanted to be with. Funny enough, three years before I met him, I wrote a poem where the character is pursuing one guy named Brad, and was being pursued by a guy named Tony. The best part of the story is the main character ends up with Tony, which is ironic because before Anthony I was dating a guy named Brad. Who was almost twice my age ( I was 18 he was 32). But that's for another post. I am incredibly happy with the man I married 4 years ago...and I plan on spending forever with him. <3

As for me? Well lately the weather has been a bit on the shitty side...so that means my mood has been on the shitty side. Not towards my family by any means, just inside. Mentally I am not alright. But it will pass. The headaches I could do without but what can you do? Other than that I am doing well and I have lost 18 lbs in 5 weeks and it's feeling great!!!! :D

Alas my cake is almost done so I must rescue it from burning. Until next time! 

Regrets

In a matter of three weeks my baby will be 2 years old. I cannot believe how fast that went...it feels like we just had her home from the hospital. Now, I could not believe how fast it has gone. I know people told me that time flies when you have children but it seems like I am on fast forward. This whole year has been a blur, and I wonder if it's my illness...but I can relive 2011 like it was yesterday. I don't know if I am stuck there or what but I feel like a part of me was left back in last year. And this year is almost over. :(

I think part of me feels guilty for missing a lot of my child's first year and a half...due to the fact that I had to work and Anthony was qualified for the nine months off. I don't resent him for being able to have that time with her...I believe every father if it's possible should have the experience. I don't know what it is, but the one side of the bipolar makes me regret not being there when my daughter needed me. I guess I have a lot of regrets for 2011.

Oh well. I will make the rest of her years better. Starting from now.

One Year

Its been a year since I have been diagnosed with being bipolar. In that year I have gone through countless medications, many thoughts of suicide and self harm and a lot of anger both from myself and my loved ones. The fact that they didn't understand (and quite frankly, sometimes it is still difficult for them to understand).

I am finally on a combination of medications that seem to work for me. The best side effect is no pain, followed by weight loss and appetite suppressor. I feel great with increased energy!!

Hopefully it will last.

Fall is here!

So the weather has transitioned into the cool fall weather that makes you want to snuggle up to your significant other and mate like rabbits. Lol. I love this time of year, the air is cooler at night which makes sleeping that much better. {It's also awesome if you have someone to snuggle with to keep you warm.}

So what has our family been up to in the past two weeks or so? Well, we have been going out, visiting friends, dining on fine food and relaxing. I have come to terms with the whole stay at home mom thing, not worrying about having a job feels amazing! I have been put on a new medication and it makes me feel amazing. Although, people tell me that I am on a high dose (10mg), I feel like it's the right dosage for me.

Things with my hubby are amazing! Every night after work he comes and spends like ten to fifteen minutes just catching up on our days. Which feels really good.

Fall is here and with it comes new possibilities!

Babysitters Anonymous

What an eventful week. I interviewed 3 women for babysitting...and found one I really liked...she was amazing with Willow, content with just sitting in my house even if Willow was napping and not intrusive at all. So I offered her the position the next day. {Provided I get a job at the Ministry of Finance} She then sent me an email saying she received offers for a fulltime position in her field. Drats.

So I went with my second choice...the only thing is...I am nervous about her being a busybody...she wanted to take a look around my house. So I may have to get a lock for my door...

This is all so nerve wracking!!!!

Bipolar since...

I believe I started feeling like this when I was 8 years old. I would obsess over conversations, thoughts of my mother leaving us every time we sat in the car while she went into the grocery store alone, and those are just a few. Now, it's more conversations I obsess over...I will remember the details of many different things I said, how I said them, and worry and obsess that I maybe shouldn't have said that.

Then you add the constant need to be punctual, if not early. This need made me to the point where I was in the bathroom ten minutes before I had to be on the bus heading to work. At my warehouse job, I would take the bus two and a half hours before my shift started just so I wasn't cutting it close. But the pressures of that job led me to killing myself at the gym, not eating for fear of upsetting my stomach, and smoking. Yep I was so stressed out that I was hitting the cancer sticks like a fiend.

When what happened at that job went down and I ended up not going back to the job after the shut down I was a completely different person. I was sketchy, I was miserable. I was experiencing migraines and not reaching my potential at the government. I had a short fuse at home and about to lose everything. I went to my doctor and at first he just labelled me as depressed and prescribed meds. I was then suspended from my government job for two weeks and realized what I needed to do was pull up my socks and make my deadlines at work. When they called me back, I was a new woman. I pulled numbers I had not pulled even the previous year. I built back up my rapport and everyone was satisfied in my work. I ended up being one of the last 5 employees working there and the contract ended on December 2, 2011.

I then decided I was going to try school. And I decided to apply at a private college, and pay an obscene amount of money for a course I didn't want in the first place. I obtained student loans and set myself in debt to realize that making it down to the school by public transit and sitting there every day was way too much for me. Although my grades were amazing I was missing 2-3 days of school every week.and in order to be considered in full time schooling I had to attend a minimum of 20 hours a week. So, I dropped out. And I decided to apply for disability. Seeing as how it was difficult for me to get out the front door, I figured I could get some help while I am unable to do anything.

And that's where I am at right now...waiting for disability and being an at home mom to my daughter. I have been suffering from this since I was 8 so almost 20 years...and it has just gotten progressively worse.

Man Problems

So I need to vent. I am having man problems. 

Recently I have met a friend who's family has known mine since waaaaay back when and she suffers from being bipolar as well and so we have connected in a good way. She is someone I can talk to and doesn't judge. She is someone that knows what I go through and feels similar things. 

So i went over to her place last night. And that was fine with Anthony. He was in a bad mood due to the mancold that has taken over my house. He is so grumpy when it comes to being sick. Well I had seen a female on his Facebook page and decided to ask him about it when he got home. But I forgot and didn't bring it up till I got home last night around 9:30. I asked him who so and so was and he said why does it matter? And i asked where he met her? He said on the internet...and I was like where? And he said it doesn't matter where he met her. W.T.F?!?!?! 

Naturally, I overreacted and had a fit. {My meds are on their way out so I have not been feeling well..very sleep deprived and whatnot.} He then proceeded to delete the woman off of Facebook...and me. Yup he decided to delete me as well and I was totally fine with it. If he decides that not having me on his facebook is that important well then what can I say? Half the time I hate Facebook and I just go on it to play games. I may take myself off there in a little while anyways. I prefer Twitter anyways and there's just so much drama on Facebook that there is no reason why I need to be on there. If people want to see how I am doing they can call me or come by.

So as of right now there is tension between us. He thinks I am mad that he makes female friends...but the bigger issue is he won't tell me where they met. He met me online and so his MO is usually the same...so of course being in the mental state I am in I fear the worst. 

Ah well, things will die down.

Wanted: Part time Sitter.

Yikes...I am actually considering getting a sitter to sit in my house for 9 hours a week. Someone who is not friends or family. I posted an ad on Kijiji.ca and got a whole ton of replies...some of them from students looking for an after school job {school is out at 3pm} and there were a few from older people who are looking for something part time and they have a lot of experience with children.

*GULP*

I am holding interviews next week as I have the potential to go back to my job at the Ministry of Revenue so I will need someone shortly after next week. My heart is racing and my hands are clammy and I worry about my baby girl's well being but I guess that is all part of wanting to be a working mama.

Anyways, I better get off here and do some housework...interviews are hopefully next Saturday and there are a lot of things that need to get organized...oh and I need to get a lock for our door. Don't want anyone snooping around in my room! LOL

Manic Monday

Today is not a good day. Not a good day at all. I am feeling pretty shitty and trying to keep it together for my family. I am wondering where the hell August went. It's now the 20th. Days go by and I feel like I am accomplishing nothing in the time I have throughout the day.

I know what I should do, what needs to be done and what I am not doing....as much of a riddle that is to most, it makes the most sense to me. I think I need to start a journal of daily things I do each day so that I know how I am using my time and whatnot.

I think I am just tired. And when I spend several days inside the apartment the walls start closing in and I feel like I am in the Twilight zone. Maybe I am just crazy but last year seemed to go by so much slower than this year. Or maybe I was just slowly getting to the point of diagnosing my illness and now it seems like everything is in fast forward mode. Or maybe cause I am not working right now so things just zoom by in the frame of time. I don`t really know.

My daughter will be two in two months. I cannot believe two years of her life have already zipped by. Before I know it, she will be off to driving school. I am still hoping to homeschool so we will see how that goes. If she doesn't do well she will be starting in french immersion because in this day and age there are more opportunities for bilingual people. So despite the fact that her father will object at first, he won't once I state my reasoning.

Ah, life is so busy and crazy! Especially when you are a parent and your child is over 18 months!

Friendship Cove not animal friendly?

http://www.thestar.com/news/canada/article/1241961--marineland-animals-suffering-former-staffers-say

I am infuriated. I read the above link about the animals suffering at Marineland...and I want to vomit. The poor animals are suffering so much and it is not getting better. It is a case of neglect, and abuse. No one seems to be doing anything about it. The poor seals are losing their eyesight, the walrus is sitting by himself and not being stimulated whatsoever. Walruses are supposed to have at least 5 hours of human interaction a day. The dolphins are losing their skin, as well as reeling from chemical changes in the water. This is awful! A place shown on the commercials that it is a happy loving place where marine animals are able to live in captivity and thrive with the human interaction and pêrformances.

Something needs to be done...but no one will do anything or can do anything. There needs to be a protest and get those animals into a facility where they will be taken good care of, have enough staff to spend the time with them and make sure they feel safe and happy. I get why the staff decided to leave when they didn't agree with the way the animals were being treated...but the animals that counted on them to be there are now reeling from the fact that the one person who cared is now gone. And they have no idea why or what they did to send them away.

I feel really sick about this. It's just awful when people abuse animals. Very inhumane.

SAHM FTW!

So, being a SAHM is really looking like the best kind of future for me. I am loving being at home with my little girl...going to the gym, doing laundry and grocery shops. Not worrying about who I am going to piss off at work, because in my fulltime job I am never pissing off the boss. I get paid in love and hugs and kisses and giggles.

That being said, we need two incomes coming in. So I am hoping ODSP says I am approved for disability payments and I get benefits starting in September. Or October. But regardless, if by chance I am not approved for disability, I know where I have to turn and on the one hand I am excited for it, but then I have to look for a sitter, and arrange all of that. Sigh. A selfish part of me wants them to say yes you're approved and they will put the cheques into my account every month. So I don't have to leave my baby with someone...and I get to watch her grow and everything.

Time will tell I suppose. Fingers crossed.

Update on the Princess

My "baby" will be 2 in about two months...and I am so excited and sad at the same time....she has grown up so much in the past year it has seemed like just yesterday I had her and now she is growing up before my eyes.

Some of the things she is doing now are as follows:

1. She has been saying 'thank you' for the past 5 months now...we are just getting the hang of  'please' as well.
2. She knows what eyes, ears, teeth, hair are and points to them and says what each one is.
3. She sings to all her tv shows; Caillou, Mike the Knight, etc. 
4. She has to have at least 8 stuffed animals with her in bed at night.
5. She is now in her own room! Where all her toys are and all her stuff. She goes to her room periodically throughout the day to play in there. 
6. She is learning her colours, knows blue, green, purple (and yes they are all correct.)\
7. As she gets older she is hugging us just because, she wasn't a cuddly baby so this is quite enjoyable for me to have her come up and just hug me.

There are so many things on a daily basis that she is doing that are just absolutely amazing to me. Watching my dependent baby turn into a semi-independent little girl makes me a very proud mama. When I happen to be on the phone with my mom she comes up to me and says "Hi Nana!" So then I proceed to give her the phone and she goes off on a tangent of jibber jabber and carries on a conversation. I can only imagine the things she will have to say once she is speaking in sentences.

Two Days Missed

Welcome back side effects. I misplaced my bottle of medication on Saturday and went two days without being medicated. I took my pills last night (filled my prescription at good old Walmart) and today I have the most awful nausea and dizziness. But I cleaned my kitchen! Something I have had no energy to do since we moved a week ago.

I won't be skipping my meds again...or misplacing them I need them too much. Lol. I am unable to function without them. Feeling like a zombie is not something I like to go through on a daily basis...and that is all I have felt like. Ugh. I hope these side effects don't last too long.

Don't get pregnant

So I saw my doctor today.

There is two months left till I see my psychiatrist.

But yeah, I saw my doctor today and he asked me how I was doing. I told him while I noticed an improvement with my meds, I have been having thoughts of self-harming the past two weeks. And he asked me if I had done anything and I told him no, I didn't want to lose my daughter over something like that. So he upped my anti-depressant. I now take 4 pills at bedtime.

He also told me I shouldn't get pregnant til I am "healthier." So no more trying for a baby for me right now. Lol. He said maybe in the winter.

I felt like he is no longer trying. Which kinda really sucks. \

Ah well, another blah day. I think I will unpack tonight and clear out my dining room.

New Month, New Home.

So yesterday was moving day and we had a total of 5 people working on the move. My friend Brittney and her boyfriend Glenn, and Anthony's friend Cliff from work along with the two of us. My mother took Willow and we got started at 9. Glenn was a machine...he just started with the boxes and within 45 minutes most of the stuff was in my new apartment. Then Cliff got there and they moved the furniture and by the time 1:30 came around everything was done. Then there was the whole making sure the other unit was clean. Which it was not that bad in the first place.

So today I will start the lovely task of unpacking. Which is a little maddening. You pack all your stuff up to need to unpack it once you get in the new place. LOL.

So it's August 1, and we are starting in a new home. It's bigger (4 closets in the hallway!!!!) Willow has her own room {slept in there last night and had an amazing sleep} and I don't see us moving anywhere for a long time.

I am so happy!

Family Untied.

Today's post, is a sad post. I am about to tell a story that I am not necessarily proud of but it's got a sad ending.

About two months ago, I started talking to my estranged father. I have written posts about such things as we have seen each other and he's been good to Willow and we went to a family get together and whatnot. Well what I didn't write about was how I didn't tell my mother that I was speaking to him again...let alone allowing my daughter to see him and the rest of the family.

About 3 weeks ago, I went to Cedar Park with my dad...I have written about this. But what I didn't write about was how I had told my mom that I was going with a friend and her godson. I needed a story in order to get my car seat from her because my mother doesn't allow things without knowing the details. Why I didn't just make an adult decision and tell her the truth {because I hate lying and being labelled a liar} is beyond me. I think I have tried to justify it with not being able to handle her being mad at me, and I also wanted to try out a thing with my family...test the waters as it were. It was wrong and I have paid for it.

Thursday of last week my mother showed up and dropped off her dogs as I was watching them for her. She then turned to me and asked me if I had been in contact with my father. I figured there is no other way of telling her but the truth. I said yes I had for a couple of months. Did he see Willow? Yes he has. And she kept asking me why didn't I tell her...and when I told her I was not mentally up for her reaction she told me I cannot use it as a crutch. I got angry and told her to get the fuck out of my house. She left angrily and I had not talked to her until this morning. I was trying to get a hold of her to make sure she was still looking after Willow while we move tomorrow. And then I asked her who she spoke to that told her I was speaking to my dad...and it led to her saying she will see Willow but she doesn't want to see me. She hopes what I did was worth it...and would I have kicked her out of my house if I didn't have my family to fall back on? Meanwhile I don't have my family to fall back on...it's not like that. She pissed me off by saying I was using my mental illness as a crutch. That is why I kicked her out of my house.

So right now I will be waiting it out. Hopefully she will come around. If not, well she went 4 years without talking to her mom. Guess I may be doing the same.

Two days left

2 days. We move in two days! And where do I find myself? Watching episodes of Life Unexpected on my laptop while Treehouse plays in the background. Lol. In all honesty I have not very much left to do around here. I am planning on packing and cleaning once the little one is down for a nap.

I cannot believe in a matter of 48 hours we will have been moved into our new home. There were many memories made in my one bedroom...from conceiving our daughter, to housing my sister in law and breaking couches..don't ask. I have had westerners living with me for a week and we managed not to kill each other. This one bedroom apartment has seen a lot of good times and a lot of bad. But it has been a home. And it has housed a lot of love.

I think part of me is a little sad to leave this place...and it's probably why I have procrastinated in upgrading for so long. But I know that once we are in the new unit downstairs we will be happier that Willow has her own room and there is more room for our stuff. Now all we need is the move to go as smoothly as it will on Tuesday and everything will be great!

It's really happening!

We are down to 4 days till we move {3 and the 4th one is moving day.} and today hubby and I were cleaning. {Ok, so he cleaned a lot more than I did and I mostly supervised.} He was scrubbing the walls and the bathroom is the best it has looked in a long time. I am so glad to have him to help me through this stressful time. I am so stressed it's not even funny. Usually when I go to Walmart with my friend I am filling the cart...today I was like eh, why bother?

I cannot believe we will be in another unit...and with more room and the baby will not be sleeping in my bedroom anymore...she will have her own room. I am a little saddened but once I have my own room and my marriage will be more personal and private I am sure I will adjust just fine.

On Monday we have a building wide inspection....meaning they come into every unit and check the smoke alarms..I know it's mandatory but a part of me still thinks that it is partly to make sure we cleaned the place to the max. Which we have....er...my hubby has.

Cannot wait to move! I know most of my posts have been leading up to the move but hopefully it conveys my excitement and happiness to be moving up a bedroom...and for only 13 more dollars a month! Can't beat that!

Down to the Wire.

So it's down to the wire and we are moving in a matter of 5 and a half days. I am stressed beyond belief because it seems like nothing is getting done no matter how much work I end up doing in a day. I feel like we have so much stuff and it's not getting packed...but in reality a lot has been done. We are moving an entire 4 years...no 5 if you count the boxes that came with us when we moved in 2008.

I feel like there is no one helping me...and that is not a slight towards my husband...I get it he is working and all but I feel mediocre at best and so the minimal I can do feels like I am not doing anything at all.

Moving sucks balls big time and trying to do it with a toddler is next to impossible. I also went to book the elevator with the male superintendent and it almost seemed like he didn't want to book it for me...yet they want me out by midnight on the 31. UGH!

Ah well. Only a few days left and we will be in our new place. Can't freaking wait.

Stockpiling

So it's about a week and a half till we move to our two bedroom...and I have a problem...I am stocking up for the apocalypse new place. I am worried that I will be waiting for my disability longer than August and we will be penny pinching for a month or two. I have crunched the numbers and made a budget for us...but I have to be strict. And that means no eating takeout for a bit. I want to make sure that we are good until my disability kicks in...I may get it for August but I may not get it till October. I am preparing for October and just ensuring that rent is paid and we have some groceries in the cupboards. I believe that my family will think I am insane once they see the boxes of food and the fact that my cupboards will be full of canned goods.

In other news...

Packing is coming along great and I am slowly getting the house in the order it should be. Which makes me happy. I am so glad I am not doing this by the seat of my pants. I am tired yes. But at the end of all this there will be a new two bedroom apartment and more room in the long run. 

I can't wait to move!

Pool Adventures and Sun Burns.

So on Saturday we went to Cedar Park. And who is "we?" Well, I went with Willow and my father and the entire aunts and uncles were there minus one. What is Cedar Park? It's a place to go for cheap to play in the water. It has mini putt, a snack bar, a full size pool and then a few splash pads and a playground within a wading pool. There was a pool there only about 10 inches deep and Willow absolutely loved sitting and splashing in the water. She had such a wonderful time there...except if I was ever out of her sight...she didn't want to be around any family members alone. {Not that I blame her it was the first time she had met most of them.}

It was so awesome being back at a family get together...everyone was nice and talked to me like I am an adult. They all loved Willow, they made me feel like such a proud mama when they commented on how well-behaved she was and how good she is. It was definitely one of my best days so far this summer.

fear of change

So I am sitting here looking around my one bedroom apartment and I realize that in a matter of two weeks I will be in a different apartment and no longer here.

I don't like change. not one bit.

I'm scared shitless of everything that can go wrong.

but I can't live in fear forever right?

countdown to moving day

I am 20 days from my moving date...and I am not nearly packed. Lol. I have quite a bit packed but it seems like I take one step forward 1500 steps back. {So pretty much nothing is done. LOL} That`s not entirely true I have 6 boxes packed. Why must moving be such a chore? Ugh. And then I have a toddler who goes through the boxes and tears through my house like an F5 tornado and it doesn't get any better.

Some days I am so frustrated that I just want to throw everything in a dumpster and start over but then I think of the cost of furniture and I think um no thanks. LOL. But it truly is not good for someone with the mental disability I have to stress over moving. So I am not moving for a good long time once we are in the new apartment. I don't care if another baby comes along...we will make it work.

Which is another thing in itself...do I want another child? Or am I satisfied with the one we have right now? Like I mean I would love it if Willow had a sibling...but can I handle another one? Will I get post partum depression? {probably not if I go right back on my meds after having the baby...but you never know.} Anthony doesn't want another child but is not completely opposed if it were to happen. Am I wrong for being a little bit excited and maybe trying to plan another baby? I mean if it takes another three years to get another baby I don't know if I am up for that. By that time Willow will be 5 and I will be done with the baby phase. Sigh. Who knows what the future holds...anyways I better get back to packing!

Motherhood.

When someone tells me that I am a lazy person based on the fact that my house is in a state of disarray I want to seriously bitch slap them. I have one of the most challenging and at the same time most rewarding jobs in the world. I am Mommy. I am there for the most part of the day keeping up with an incredibly bright and incredibly busy toddler. I am there taking her out on outings and being there to make sure she is fed.

I am by no means Supermom. But if I choose to play with my daughter over doing those dishes that will be there tomorrow...while I only have a few years with my baby before she is off running and our time together is not as important to her as it once was. I love the moments when I walk through the door and she screams at the top of her lungs MAMA and runs to give me a hug and when I pick her up she talks in her jibberish and tells me what she has been up to since I last saw her.

She is my world and while I have a hard time with the terrible twos...come on what parent doesn't? I am one hundred percent loving my child. Unconditionally. Forever.

best man ever

Just a check in this week is hubby's week off and so far it's been awesome. Had our 4 month year anniversary yesterday.....4 years married...it's like it was yesterday I was getting off the bus and meeting this sweet sweet man and now it's been 6 years together...4 years legally married. I was reminded about how much I love him when he came up to me just after midnight on Thursday and said Happy Anniversary and gave me a kiss.

<3 him.

Runaround what?

So it's been about a month that I have been a stay at home mom. And as much as I love it...I don't love the uncertainty of whether or not I will be getting onto disability. And I am not sure if I am getting my two bedroom apartment. :( I feel like crying because I don't know the future. I know I should just relax and breathe...continue packing the house up and get ready to move...doesn't matter if the place we get isn't till January...but to be honest part of me thinks I should just move in August and then deal with it later. I know they are not going to paint or do the floors...but I can paint myself the colour I want it to be. I'm thinking a nice brown or green for the living room...and Willow's room is already painted (PINK) so I won't have to worry about that either.

But now I am getting the runaround. I am told that I may not get the apartment because for two months out of the forty two months I have been living here, I have been late on my rent. TWO MONTHS. And then I was just told today that the letter I gave in was not good enough for them. And therefore I have no notice. 'lfdkjd;lkfjdl;kfndsklvndklfhshshhh!!! So frustrated. I am about ready to throw in the towel and stay forever in this unit.

Stressors.

Ugh. I cannot stand the issues arising between my husband and my mother. My mother is someone who is nice...but don't piss her off. She has Scottish in her...and that means she has a fiery temper. And my husband, is notorious for having asshole moments. Either way, the story I am about to relay was completely unnecessary and totally stressing me out.

My daughter and I needed to go to Walmart...er actually I needed to go to Walmart and the husband was already in a bad mood because I was still at the gym at 8:30 {not to mention the fact that I had just got there due to the fact that I had just slept in...but that is for another blog post.} and so I agreed to take her and asked my mother if she wanted to join us. She said yes and as soon as she pulled up there was a condition...can the one dog stay at my place while we are gone. Now keep in mind my husband doesn't like the dogs...as the one has a tendency to get over excited and does his business on the floor. No big deal we have floor and not carpet so it's easy to clean up. So I left the dog in the apartment and went back downstairs. I was not at Walmart for more than 10 minutes when I got texts and phone calls saying that if the dog does his business and my mother doesn't come pick him up he is going to open the door and let the dog run free.

He barely gave me a chance to reply when he said "I let him out." And my mom flew to my house and tore a strip verbally off my husband and got her dog and left. But this is not the first incident. Once, my cell phone died and I didn't get home until 20 minutes before he went to work and I was two hours late so I understood him being upset with me....but he told my mother to fuck off. My mother thinks no one should talk to her that way and she did nothing wrong. But to me, I have just had enough.

That's the end of my rant. I am frustrated with the both of them...and definitely in a bad mood now and I had gotten myself into a great mood while at the gym and whatnot. Now I am just a moody mess.

3 Months...

Is the amount of time I have to wait to see if I am accepted into ODSP. {Disability program through the province of Ontario.} Of course I have made sure my family and I are financially ok for the next three months...in case it takes a while to get it...which guess what yes it does.

I did however, buy myself a laptop because...well...i feel I am worth it. And I feel awesome that I got it. :D I am able to do everything I want and more on it.

Right now miss W is sleeping and so I am relaxing on the couch while DH is on the computer over there. *waves in his general direction* I like having my own computer because I don't have to wait till he goes to work to be online.

And I will be writing more blog posts about our summer adventures...which the first one will be coming up really soon!

Marvelous May

May has started off to be a pretty decent month. I have switc programs so I am now doing my lessons from home!! (score)

Really been enjoying time with Willow, time we didnt get together when she was younger.

posted from Bloggeroid

Did something wild and crazy...

I dyed my hair blonde for the first time {The time I dyed my hair orange for a week does NOT count} in 9 years. Anddd....I LOVE it! I spent 5 hours at the salon getting my hair done...kid free may I add. {Love that Daddy has two days off a week so I can make appointments.}

My hairstylist said it suits me better and I was shocked to learn that my hubby likes it!

Cannot wait for my other friends to see it.

Family Ties

So I am happy to report that Wednesday evening's coffee with my father was a success. I will start at the very beginning.

We left the house at around 6:20ish to make it down the street at the nearest McDonald's for 6:30. I told Willow we were going to see her grandpa and she simply said "grandpa." I thought it was so cute. Of course the butterflies were fluttering in my stomach and I was hoping everything would go okay. As we got up to the restaurant my dad was already there and Willow and I grabbed a table and my dad brought the items we ordered over. He then gave me a big hug and showed Willow the Tigger stuffie he brought her.

 

So we sat and we talked and I told him everything I had to tell him from the past two years. It was like we hadn't missed a beat and like everything was back to normal..but better. He took pictures and video of Willow and then played with her. And he at one point went up to get us drinks and Willow was standing by me so I asked her, "Where's Grandpa?" And she ran up to the front of the store pointed at him and said "There he is!" My heart melted. 

After we sat for a bit more then my dad walked us home. Gave me a big hug and gave Willow a hug and kiss and told me he will see me once a month. Which I thought is really cool. 

So glad to have him back in my life...next step is to smooth things over with my grandmother. 

Its been 2 years

So tomorrow I am meeting my dad for coffee for the first time in almost 2 years. How do I feel about it? Well I'm excited about it. I am also nervous as hell. It will be the first time he has met his grand daughter. Also, I have to keep it a secret from my mother and brother. Its not a good subject to discuss with them and I know my mom will have a thing or two to say about it.

So i am going into this alone with just the hopes and prayers that everything goes well tomorrow.

Fed up.

So I am absolutely ticked off. I am ready to throw in the towel and quit. In fact i think im going to quit in August. Get my program from elsewhere. I just have to keep it together till then.

I am tired of the bullshit. I am sick of walking around on eggshells so I will pay to do the exact same course from home. Its retarded that I have to sit in that classroom when i have so much better things to do with my time.

Feeling good

Well I must admit I am feeling better these days. Being on the mood stabilizer makes me more able to function in daily activities as well as being on 90 mg of my antidepressant. I am keeping up with chores around the house and I have more energy overall.

I think by the time I am done my course I will have been regular on my pills enough that I will be at a high enough function rate.

Like I said 2012 is going to be a great year!!

Married life is Grand

Ok, you know how when you mix friends with alcohol...shit usually happens right? Well, I tend to make friends with all the wrong people and the following happened with a friend whom I am no longer friends with.

Theres this girl I was friends with we will call her miss J for confidentiality purposes. Well she had guy issues and I suffered from bored housewife/bipolar (completely in the dark about the latter) So when she had troubles we usually worked together to get back at men.

Well of course I didn‘t tell my husband cause he would be like “don‘t be dumb“ and I didn‘t want to hear that. But I actually made a friend on one of the websites and my hubby found out. It has been 2 years since I have done anything of the sort. And now he doesnt trust me...
Which is just fanfuckingtastic.

Meanwhile, he is having friends who are female and carrying on via text with them.

Marriage is grand.

Academic Probation.

Having a mental illness blows balls. No one gives a shit and apparently you don't  have any excuse not to be in school. I was put on academic probation today because I have missed 15 days of school. Ah well. I will just hike up my socks and go every day even if it's just to sit there. And I am going to have to do that for the next ten months.

So lame. Considering I am almost at the midterm and then I have all my transcripting to do. I know I will be done early...so I will sit in that room and just relax, read a book, surf the internet...whatever I want. If they want my ass in the chair that's fine. I'll be there.

That is all  =)

So freaking Angry!!

Ok, so I have a bone to pick with my school. I have been waiting for my student loan to come in for 6 weeks now. Little do I know that it arrived last week and I wasn't going to receive it until May!!!!! WTF?!?!?! Also the director of my school told me to budget better! She also told me that I should have had money to last me until May. I let it slide. Then I tried to make an appointment when a friend of mine could take me down there to sign for it and apparently I have to go to class to negotiate my loan and sign for it! By this time I was furious. I vented. I flipped shit. How fucking dare anyone make me feel like a child when in reality I‘m a grown ass woman.

So I am hoping when I go in there I don‘t have to be subject to any criticism. I will not be able to control myself.

Hiatus from Social Networking

I have taken a hiatus from Facebook. I have tried the whole not having Facebook before and I always cave after a couple of days...but this time I want to see if I really need it. Or is it simply a crutch and I am as creepy as I think I am peering into the lives of about 150 people or so. I don't need to know who got married, had a baby, especially if I have not seen them since high school or even earlier.

I don't need 500 facebook friends to make me feel needed loved and wanted. I need my husband. My baby. My family and close-knit friends. So we will see how long I last.

Last day of March

Well, I am sitting here on the last day of March...{btw, where the hell did March go?} listening to my wonderful toddler talk and laugh and play and I am simply happy to be alive. It has taken a long time to get here, and I am hoping it stays.

Yesterday we took the princess to the doctors for her needles. {Not one of my favorite things to do but I made the appointment for a time when both Mommy and Daddy could be there.} So he measured her, 33 inches. He weighed her, 28 lbs. And he was impressed that she was doing well. Um, DUH. I may be bipolar but my daughter is probably the only thing I do right on a daily basis. So then she got her chicken pox and meningitis vaccinations. Poor baby was so upset. Then after the doctor's visit we ventured off to Shoppers Drug Mart to send away the modem I had from Bell. After that we headed to Zellers to pick out a feel better toy for Willow. {After two needles and being so brave we thought she needed one.} She picked out a vibrant green frog stuffy that is bigger than her. Then we headed home.

Today I am spring cleaning. Although it is below spring temperatures outside it needs to be done. So while Daddy sleeps in, Mommy and baby are bonding and housecleaning. {Who am I kidding? I am the only one housecleaning. Baby is housemessing.}

21 degree weather feels absolutely amazing!

The weather today was absolutely wonderful. It was 21 degrees out. There were no jackets..there was an abundance of sunshine. So Anthony and I decided to take Willow out for a walk. And we walked to the library...realized there were a bunch of teenagers there and so went to the mall instead. And we let her run around for the first time and she absolutely loved it!

She ran (not far because her legs are so tiny) and laughed and had so much fun. By the time we got her home she had enough energy to eat and go to bed. Ah, that's music to Mommy and Daddy's ears! Lol.

It's amazing what one little pill can do

This past weekend was a whirlwind on the rollercoaster of emotions for me. It all started when I woke up on Saturday morning. I woke up to the sound of my baby girl playing and talking in her crib. Which was amazing. Her little babbles just make my heart melt and we woke up in a great mood and everything was good. The entire morning I felt awesome and by the time she was ready for a nap I was ready for a marathon.

Could it have been the 2 cans of Coke I had drank? (Nah.)

My friend asked me to go grocery shopping with her and I had just put Willow down for a nap...so I said sure. We went and had a grand old time at the grocery store. I felt really hyper and halfway through the shop I realized why I felt that way.

I forgot to take my meds.

Ah well, I thought to myself...just enjoy the high. I was hyper for the entire day and night. Staying up until 1:30am and watching movies on Netflix and not really caring that I was awake. I felt happy and like I did before I was pregnant. Staying up late, which lately all I do is go to bed around 9.

The next day, I got up and felt like I had been drinking and partying all night long. I felt super tired and had a headache. I took my pill and it took the pain away but my mood was less than mediocre all day. I was glad when hubs came home early and took over with the baby. Also, my sister decided to come over and help me clean the house so I didn't have to clean the kitchen...which was one thing hubs wanted me to do. So I was very happy to have the help yesterday.

It really is amazing what happens when I don't take my meds. I sure do sleep soundly though.

A mother's guilt.

So...does anyone else think that the Tori Stafford trial has haunting similarities to the Paul Bernardo/Karla Homolka case? A friend at school and I were talking about it, and it just seems so sickening. And the mother, oh my word, the mother had played an active role in aiding her child's murder. Being an oxy addict, (or any kind of drug addict for that matter) introducing your child to people that you purchase drugs from is clearly bad form. I mean come on, any idiot knows that. Looking back, the mother should probably see how it adds up that the daughter of a drug dealer would be able to do such a horrific thing. Drugs fuck a kid up man, and it's a less than ideal life for the kids when parents are into shady business.

Another thing, what is with these young women, and girls looking to please a man that is at least 10 years older than them. Is it a daddy complex? Looking for love in all the wrong places? Because if you ask me, when a guy tells you that he wants you to abduct a little girl and plans to do absolutely awful things to this innocent little girl, the NORMAL reaction is to run...and run far far away. When you are sent into a hardware store and told to get a hammer, and garbage bags and whatever else he may need to dispose of the body, you go in there and make the purchase and walk out without a sense of a fucking conscience, knowing you are aiding and abedding this sick perverse plan....you should be publicly defiled, humiliated and thrown into the general public at a maximum security prison with all the inmates knowing what a low, disgusting, sick depraved act you have committed. That way you can pray that your death will be instantaneous. But instead she is looking to plea bargain by giving up the guy she would "do anything for."  Throwing him under the bus so you get a 25 year sentence and free at 50 (unless allowed out for good behaviour as the flaws and cracks in our imperfect justice system allows for such things.)

As a mother, first of all I am enraged at the sick fact that poor little Tori was raised by an oxy addict. I have said it once I will say it again, drugs really mess a kid up. So the fact that she was surrounded by a mother who wasn't even there most of the time...*SMH* The minute you find out you are bringing a child in the world you need to make sure you are giving 150% of yourself and that there will be nothing barring you from being the mother you want and can be. That life is your responsibility and they are really and truly a gift from God and not being tainted by this awful wicked world should be your number one priority. Not to get high and satisfy your selfish "needs" and desires.

Then, you meet the shady drug dealer....who in all reality if they have any children they are immediately classified as screwed up because they have a drug dealer for a parent. Great thinking and logic there people. There was probably an absentee father...or he was in jail, or just high all the time which makes the daughter turn to someone she can find comfort in. He, in turn, is this masochistic disgusting pedophile who expects his girlfriend to ensnare this unknowing little girl to go with her because her mother said she needed her to pick her up from school...{A side note...what mother doesn't go pick up her kids from school...oh right the drug addict thing. Gotcha.} Then you go through with being an accessory to murder, after sexually defiling an 8 year old. Beating her to death with a hammer and then leaving her body in garbage bags.

My heart aches as a mother and as a human being. I know that if it were my child, well I would pull out all stops to ensure she was safe and home everyday after school. My choice is to homeschool her and any other children that come along. I am in school to ensure a work at home opportunity so that I can make my money within the comfort of my home and with my children close to me at all times. At least until the time when they are able to be making the decisions and knowing that strangers are not there to help you and that the set of instructions given to you at the time of you leaving the house to when you are supposed to return are still in play unless I tell you any different.

I don't know why I am so enraged about this little girl's death...probably because it was preventable. It was preventable and the mother was not protecting her child as well as she could have.

Well that is my rant for this morning. Better get back to learning about teeth.

Green with Envy

I have a confession...I am a very jealous woman. I worry constantly about the new females hubs adds to Facebook, I cringe every time I hear her name. And as of Monday, there will be two of them back at his work. He came home and was like 'oh I can get us coupons for Niagara...' and when I asked him from who he said 'Jessica' oh and he also told me that she just went with her fiance and that she can help us plan our trip if we want her too. UM NO?!?!?!! It's our anniversary...I am sure we can manage. And apparently he showed her a picture of our child and she was like if you guys ever want to go out I will babysit for you!!! First of all, I don't know this girl...so why would I even consider her to babysit my most precious possession? So she can snoop around my house and see what I do wrong as a parent? Also, if I was to go out with Anthony and leave her with my child, would they hang out afterwards?

This one girl is twenty...the other one is between 21 and 25 and was in my class for Anatomy, and a few others. He seems to enjoy woman attention. I don't understand how he can say nothing will ever happen and he is loyal to me. Well I know he has been the past 5 years despite everything we have gone through...but what happens if one day my bipolar disorder is too much for him to handle...the fact that I don't cook a dinner and he spews off to one of them...

Now he has not always been innocent...when I first went out to be with him not only did he take me to a chick's workplace that he later confessed that he kissed while drunk...I was sitting in his bedroom at his parent's place and he was chatting with his female friend who decided to send him a picture of her lying on her bed in her pjs and he said I would totally photograph you. (Not that I am trying to rehash...just pointing out that my fears are not all in vain.)

I feel awful that I feel this way but I am unsure how to shut it off. I just don't want him to ever think I am not good enough...that would devastate me..

Best Weekend Ever!

To be honest, there was nothing noteworthy or extremely special about this weekend. On Friday I went over to my moms after school and watched her dogs for her...Friday evening I spent with my hubby and baby...spent Saturday and Sunday with my little princess while Daddy was at work, and Monday I was back at my moms dog sitting and had a great night with the hubs once again.

But I was happy. And not the fake kind of happiness. I was legitimately, genuinely happy. I felt great. I walked over to my moms yesterday without listening to music...(something I usually need to do whenever I go ANYWHERE) and I was able to smile the whole time. I finished an entire book in a total of two and a half hours and it was a great book.

Yesterday was family day and my hubby decided to wake up with the baby...I was awakened as well but he took the main taking care of her...and we had a great day together. It was really nice to actually be relaxed and happy and not nit picking at each other or being angry at each other. There really is no need for that and I am glad we were able to spend some time together.

I have been taking my meds regularly and I feel absolutely wonderful. I go see my dr tomorrow and I will be able to talk to him about everything that I am feeling. The good the bad and the beautiful...because I am not an ugly person. Haha!

That`s all I have for now. Gonna go clean my dishes and rest of my kitchen before little one has a nap...I may have one too.

A letter for my 16 month old

Dear Willow:

Well a lot has happened in the past little while. You have grown up so fast in the past 4 months since turning a year I cannot believe my eyes. Not only do you get prettier with each passing day you never fail to amaze me with your intelligence and development skills.

Your words are now much clearer...you love your Daddy so much that the words you have perfected are "Hi Daddy!" Kitty is another word you love to say as you antagonize the cats with your adorableness. When you are hungry you let me know by telling me you want "yum yums" and the fact that you give abundant amounts of kisses makes my heart melt.

You are quite mobile...and you learned that all on your own. You knew you were ready and you decided to just take off. Now it's fun to watch you walk around steadily on your two legs and be so happy that you can do it.

You recently had the stomach flu and although your tummy felt awful you made it through it like a champ. You kept your spirits up and were still the happiest little girl even through the gross parts. That's the second time in your life you have been really sick and Mommy is very lucky that way. It devastated me to be helpless while you were sick and not being able to take it away from you...broke my heart because I love you so much and just want you to be pain free.

My wish for you is to live a happy healthy life. You are the centre of my world and anything I do I do for you to be comfortable and happy in the long run. I look forward to all the stages in your life...although the one you are in now with the hitting and biting and whatnot is not my favorite...and I am excited to see what the future will bring for us.

I love you my angel, now and forever.

Mommy XOXO

Weight loss check in!

It has been four weeks since I have started my lose weight regime and I am happy to announce that I have lost 9 pounds in those four weeks. I can really attribute it to the past two and a half weeks mostly because I had the stomach flu and a ton of stress that has inadvertently curbed my appetite.

Which kinda sucks, because although I know I should eat my stomach heaves at the very thought of food. I don't understand why...food can be awesome. I mean in the past few weeks I have had to make tough decisions regarding school and work and whatnot. Money is a little tighter than expected and I am stressing about that. I also just went back on my medication after a month and a half hiatus. (Stupid idea of mine to go off them when I clearly need them.) So I think what my fear is that if I relax and eat, we will run out of food faster than the money coming in can get more. And I am reserving money especially so my daughter doesn't go without anything.

Do I know it's stupid...yes. But for some reason I can't shut it off and it probably won't be shut off until Mayish...when I find out when I go back to work.

But on the plus side...I lost 9 pounds!

My baby is no longer a baby

Alas but she is turning into the best toddler ever. She has some pre-terrible two moments but I can keep them under rein. She also has not had too much other children interaction and I find that she has benefited well from it. I know as she gets older she will need child interaction..I'm no idiot. But she is learning how to share, she is learning to do as she is told, and she is learning no means no. Whether it be a firm warning or a tap on the bum or hand she knows when we mean business. And we are by no means harsh or uber strict...she can almost do whatever she wants.

Within reason of course. She has definitely got her daddy wrapped around her finger...but even he had to crackdown on her the other day when she was doing something she was not supposed to. I came home from school and he sheepishly came up to me and said, "I had to give Willow a smack on the hand today." I smiled and said "oh why?" and he proceeded to tell me that as he was cleaning the apartment he was cleaning the kitty litter and Willow came over to play in it. Something she never does!!! LIKE EVER. He told me she gave a two second whine/cry and walked away but has not touched it since.

Kids are very smart. If they are allowed to grow and learn and thrive. I was discussing with another mom and she was telling me how she does what I do, talk to her child as if he were a person, not as if it's a mindless baby. Like for example "go get your bottle." rather than "go get your baba for mama." Nothing wrong with that. To each their own but I am just finding that Willow learns more when I talk to her straight up rather than baby talk to her.

But she could at least slow down in the growing up department.

From a Wife to a Husband

Dear Husband:

I do not know what side of the bed you woke up on this morning but the way you spoke to me is completely unacceptable. I have spent my entire day off running around getting groceries and household necessities...things you take for granted that I will make sure to get for you.

Shopping takes time. Especially in big name stores that are one stop shops like Walmart. So if I spend a couple of hours walking around making sure I have gotten everything the household needs sobeit. I always make sure i home with enough time for you to get to work when you need to be there.

You make comments like I don't take out the garbage, the living room is always a mess, I am merely lazy! Well when you wake up at 5am to get to school to sit through a 4 hour lecture and try to retain it while then coming home to a very active 15 month old and being with her and juggling attention to her and doing my homework, doing bathtime and bedtime and then cleaning up and doing homework...all while being very exhausted. Then I usually feel bad if I don't cook you some sort of dinner and so I struggle to stay awake to make you something hot for when you get home.

Yet you have the nerve to call me horrific names, and tell me I am not doing a good job...maybe not in so many words but instead of thank you for trying your best babe I am proud of you is there anything I can do to help, you let me know that you are NOT helping me bring up the groceries nor will you bring our child down so my mother can look after her. Being difficult gets you nowhere but alone. And there may come a time when that has to happen. I cannot take your verbal teardowns on top of everything I am doing. I am already exhausted from doing everything....something has gotta give somewhere.

Just thought you should know how I feel...I feel saddened, alone, and frustrated and angry. You want something done then give me the support and help I need to work together and do things around the house.

Sincerely,

Your Wife

*Sigh*

I feel like a failure...to a degree at least. I have been in my pharmacology class for about a week now and my average is 82.5%. Yes that may be a decent mark but it is not a very good mark in my books considering the class before it I was getting 98%.

Today I had my midterm exam, a unit quiz, as well as a lecture to listen to somewhat. Oh who am I kidding...I studied for my midterm...

As it was I left 8 questions out of 100 blank. Just couldn't remember them for the life of me.
I just don't want to lose my husband's faith in me.

B to the Itch

It has definitely been awhile since I have blogged. The theme of my post this morning is bitchy women. Not that some women are not bitchy but there are a lot that have the bitch gene in them. I tend to have bitchy moments, but I wouldn't say I am necessarily a bitch in the purest form.





There are about 20 women in my pharmacology class. I guarantee you at least 50% of them are all out bitches. You know the ones that come into the class to bitch and complain and be loud and obnoxious cause HEY! Who's gonna stop them? And I dare anyone to try.

My class has way too much estrogen. Sadly I am in the middle of the class and I hear stuff I don't need to hear on a regular basis, like, "he was out all night and when I questioned him about it he said it was none of my business where he was." Well sweetheart if he is 23 years older than you and he is telling you it is none of your business where he's at then maybe JUST MAYBE he's just not that into you. Also, same girl found out she is pregnant. Now I don't know if she decided to keep it or not but the way she was talking about going out for ladies night to drink makes me kinda want to lean towards NOT keeping the baby. (For the baby's sake because FAS is so much worse to live with than not existing at all. I am completely pro-life.)
Also, it drives me nuts when I try to help someone and they take my head off...makes me want to get a nice ice ball and chuck it at the back of their head knocking them out cold. I don't have any friends in the class ON PURPOSE because I cannot stand being friends with that many women. I am friendly. I talk, but there will be no cosmos one evening after work, there will be no facebook adding.

Over the past three years I have been networking my career friends and now, it's a new leaf I don't want to be helpful to anyone. I am not going to help anyone get ahead. But anyways, I write my midterm on Monday and the rest of the class writes it on Thursday so my seatmate was like let me see the review and I was like sorry I have to go. Like come on seriously?!?!?! As if I will enable you to cheat.

Bottom line: women are bitches and any woman that says she is not is a LIAR. Stay away from her.

Insecurities

I am going to take this post back to the year of 2003/4. I had been dealing with being schooled through correspondence courses due to the fact that I couldn't be at a normal school. {My mother's thinking but to be honest I would agree with it 100%.} Now, I had never thought my parent's to be the type to split up...they kept the peace so well that my brother and I never heard or felt a thing.

But I still remember so vividly the day when I was down in the basement of the house I spent 8 years in and my mother telling me that my dad was going to leave. I was devastated, as was she and she stood there telling me he didn't love her anymore and that he was going to move out. This was about April or May of 2004.

Since then I have an immense fear that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work at things...I feel like I am going to be left by my husband. I don't feel worthy of his love and although I love him deeply and unconditionally, I am constantly worried that it's not enough.

I know it's not fair to paint him with the same brush as my father. But it's not just in the father department that I am worried about. I have a hard time making friends...and when I do make friends, they all move away. And then we lose touch. So although I make friends, I keep a lot of them arms' length away. I have no idea why I do it. But it has led to many years of loneliness.

It's really hard to know he has female friends. I have somewhat come to terms with him having friends that are female...but my insecurities still get the better of me. And I lashed out last night, I know I shouldn't have but I was having a bad night and decided that picking a fight with him was better than keeping the peace. Anything I was feeling came out and not only that I also showed my weakness and I cried. Names were thrown and it wasn't a pretty picture. So although I have blown up and moved on he's still reeling from it.

A friend recently told me that she wished someone loved her. My response to that was love is usually a game and no matter how hard you try you could lose at the drop of a dime. I love being happy and in love but I hate the bullshit games that come with it.All of this stems from watching what my parents went through. And I am trying my damnest to ensure none of that happens to my daughter. The results are devastating.

Planning the Anniversary

So, I have been thinking and thinking on what I want to do for my 4 year anniversary. And because we have a little extra money I want to make it good. I live in Oshawa Ontario and anyone who lives near there or lives there knows that there is nothing good to do here. Nothing except drink and make 17 year old girls pregnant. Soo, seeing as how I am neither a big drinker, nor do I have the right parts to make any girl pregnant let alone a 17 year old I figure I have to look outside my city to find something anniversary worthy.

So our first thought was to stay at the hotel in Oshawa and branch out from there. But then I was talking to a really good friend of mine and she said that to go to Niagara Falls and get a room there and be right by Clifton Hill and all the attractions would be the same amount of money. So I looked it up for the dates I want it for and she is absolutely right.

So it seems like that's where we are going for our anniversary. I am so excited. I am now able to take Anthony to places around Ontario that he has never been before. Like, we have been here since July of 2007 and he hasn't even really been to Toronto. I took him to Wonderland (a theme park just outside of Toronto.) But I haven't been able to take him anywhere nice...so I am pretty stoked to be able to take him places.

D Day. Monday January 16th 2012

So I know I was supposed to be starting my eating regime last Monday. But I just bought a scale today so I am completely ready to start this diet as of this coming Monday. And as long as I stick to my regime I can lose 2-3 pounds a week until April and then I will be adding the gym to my regime after I have dropped some weight. There are 12 weeks between now and the date I want to join the gym.

Do I have a goal? Why yes I do. I want to lose a great deal of my weight by the 14th of June. That is my anniversary and Anthony and I are having a baby free weekend and enjoying the time together. My goal is to have lost quite a chunk of my weight by then. Also? I have the goal to have all my weight off by February 2013 because we are going on a 4 day three night cruise hopefully to the bahamas or something and I want my man to have a hot mama on his arm.

No I am not losing this weight because he wants me to. No I am not doing it to keep him interested. I am losing weight to make myself look and feel good as well as to feel good on the couple of special events I have coming up.

I will be posting at least once a week on my diet and how it is going! So psyched to finally get the ball rolling!

Domesti-what?

So, I think I am becoming a tad...domesticated.


Yeah that's right, I said it. And I don't necessarily like doing chores. In fact, I downright hated them. But lately, I don't know what it is...maybe I am becoming comfortable in my own skin...maybe I don't want to turn out like those people on Hoarders, but I am in a real cleaning fix.

Since being off the antidepressants I am more energized to do such things as clean the kitchen and bathroom. {Hubby has the living room and dining area.} I love my house being clean and tidy for if I have people over and whatnot. Now, mind you my room looks like a tornado hit it but that's because my room is merely a place to sleep in. And the baby sleeps in our room until we upgrade to a 2 bedroom in April and so it's definitely not the way I want it. But I figure that if I can keep up with the parts of the house people see and are in for the most part than I am doing pretty good.

My favorite place to clean would have to be the kitchen. Something about it being a woman's domain mixed with the place most people see just gives me more stamina to clean it on a regular basis. Best thing? Hubs has seen me make an effort and is helping me out by cleaning his areas and helping me with mine from time to time.

I think the worst thing for me is the whole allowing my place to get as awful as the places on television with the cockroaches and dead kittens littering the spaces in their homes that the trash and such don't reach. I will not raise my children in someplace like that.

So below is my masterpieces, the kitchen and the bathroom. I am quite happy with it.

Virtually debt free!

Paying off debt is a wonderful feeling. In the past week alone I have paid off three big bills I had {well 2 were bills and one was my books for school.} But it is like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I cannot believe that this year has been going so well. Now, if only I could graduate and get a decent job after it's all said and done then I will be good to go!

I hate being the one to go to my mother and say to her "Can I borrow some money?" I really don't want her thinking I am a failure. Not that she would but it's my own feelings of insecurities and need to prove that I can do it. And so when she helped me as much as she did this past month, I was a little anxious to get her paid off when my OSAP came in. So now I am out of debt with her, I am out of debt with Rogers and I will be applying for a student visa on Monday to rebuild my credit.

I feel wonderful and it just seems like this year is going to be my year. So bring it on 2012!!!

Don't Cry for Me Argentina!

Today is a day I could sit and cry. Nothing happened. Nothing is wrong. I just feel like crying. To be honest I have not felt like this in a long ass time. I have not felt the need to cry, I have not prompted tears to come due to being on emotion numbing antidepressants. I hated feeling so numb like I wasn't even there. My body was there and what seemed like a person was in the shell/body. But I have gone off the antidepressants since Monday. And I haven't had any bad withdrawals, probably because I am still on my mood stabilizers.

I also have my monthly friend this week. And it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would have been. But that may be why I have the need to cry and shed tears. I don't like the feeling but at least I feel a lot more normal now.

Almost midweek

So I have to go back to the dentist. I was just there on Friday to get a cavity filled. I knew he should have pulled the tooth but he insisted that it could be filled and then I would be fine. But then afterwards he told me I should keep an eye on it and if it gets bad to come back and he will extract it. Every single time I go there I get charged. So I am going to get this one removed and that`s it. I am going to take care of my mouth and teeth and when I get pregnant again I will take a calcium supplement.

So, in other news, I went off my antidepressant and I am sticking with the mood stabilizer. I feel amazing, my moods are wonderful and I don't feel like I am numb and like I want to hurt myself in order to feel. My mom noticed a change in me and it was for the better. I am definitely happy about that.

I am off to bed, up early for school tomorrow. My final for anatomy is on Friday...eek!!!

Igloos and snowflakes

As the rain falls against my face
The memories of you I cannot erase
For once upon a time things always seemed
Like it was perfect, the best kind of dream.

But as if a blink of an eye and it was gone
I am not sure how we all will go on.
The way you left us was so unfair
I am wondering why you didn't even care!

None of us knew you were hurting so much
I don't think you realized how many lives you touched.
I read your last words and tears filled my eyes.
And you know how much it takes for me to cry!

Your dad is devastated, your mom is a mess
She keeps wringing her hands and adjusting her dress.
The minister is here to start with his speech.
Cars line up the parking lot and spill out into the street.

The Smiths came with their five kids in tow
And as the last ones walk in the rain turns to snow.
I remember you and I outside catching flakes.
And playing in the igloo we built making snowcakes.

I wish I had the chance to say one more thing before you died.
To tell you I love you, or hold you while you cried.
To get back together and try one more time.
I realized too late how great it was that you were mine.

I'm glad you're no longer hurting but sad that you are gone.
Your memory will last even as we all go on.
I will miss you more and more each day
Saddened that I didn't get to say what I needed to say.

Mechanical Feelings

It's very difficult to explain to someone "normal" how messed up your brain is. To tell them you can't do something even if you look physically able to do that one particular thing. "You don't look sick." "Suck it up and just do it." Or my favorite one to date is simply, "you are young what do you need to be depressed about?"

Ignorant ignorant people. And the worse part yet is trying to explain to your family and loved ones how you are feeling. One minute I could be incredibly elated and everything could be going wonderfully. The next, I am upset, angry, infuriated, and not even know the reason for such strong feelings. I have wanted to cry more in the past 3 weeks than I ever have in my entire life. But the pills I am on prohibit me from crying. I literally cannot cry. I feel numb, like I am on autobot. Like my life is passing me by and I cannot feel anything.

Needless to say, I don't necessarily want to cry. Sometimes you need to release your emotions and cry a good cry, get a good night's sleep and then wake up feeling relaxed and happy. Try explaining that to someone. I am going to be making an appointment to be an outpatient at the hospital in the mental health department. I just want to feel. I want a nice balance of being able to feel and being able to function. But I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too. I have to have one over the other and to be honest, I think I will take not being on the brink of a divorce and having my family close to me than feeling emotions and my world crumbling out of control.

Everything is going right. I guess I should be happy that everything is going like I am wonderful and happy. Also, we will see how things go with the psychiatrist. Hopefully they can help.

New Beginnings

So I said I wanted to lose weight a certain amount by the time I am graduating college right? Well I am starting this as of Monday January 9th. I am cutting out all soda, sugar, and I am going to be eating uber healthy as well as increasing my water intake. (From 2 litres to 4) And then by the time April comes I will be joining the gym to add to my weight loss. I am really excited to do this and lose the 60 pounds of weight I need to to look and feel decent. I am not going to stray from it. As I have already bought a lot of veggies to eat healthily, it shouldn't be too bad to eat healthy. I just need to cut out the other bad stuff. Like the Tim Horton's Ice Caps. They have the caloric count of a Big Mac. So I will be keeping my blog updated and writing down all my feelings and experiences.

I will beat the battle of the bulge and make 2012 my year to lose weight.

Longing for the Beach

I have a problem within myself. I cannot accept that I have limitations. Having this disease makes me feel broken and worthless. I feel like I am a prisoner to the medication and need it to survive. And that is not me. That is not how my mother raised me to be. She raised me to be a strong independent woman and one who could make it on her own without the need for other people in my space.

I hate the term "bi polar" it makes me feel like I have a disease. I am no good. I also hate the term manic depressive. It makes me feel like I am a psycho. But alas that is what I am, bi-polar. I am on medication that make it near impossible to cry, that messes with other parts of my life, so although I feel calm and happy, other things are fucked.

Being on medication I feel like I am dependent. I feel like if I didn't have these little pills I would have to be strapped to a bed and locked away. Right now the only thing that I have the most energy for is my daughter. I am thankful that I am able to be a good mom to her and a good wife to my husband. Who has been amazing throughout it all. Yes he gets on my nerves, but everyone does. It's not just him. It's who I am and my own pet peeve.

I don't know why I feel the way I do. I feel like this all the time. I just want 5 days where I am not responsible for anything or anyone. Where I can be on the beach, (preferably with my mom) or by the pool and do absolutely nothing. To be waited on, massaged daily, sleep by the pool if I want to.

I am exhausted in so many ways, I have not slept well for the past year. The year before that I was working full time and pregnant. Then two months after my daughter was born I was back into a full time job. I have been stressed, working, and worrying about bills, rent, budget etc. And, on top of it all I am struggling with a mental disorder that I barely understand what's happening to me.

I just need a break..

Blue Tears Kept at Bay

So I am on the first week of taking my antipsychotic medication and to be honest I am noticing a big difference in myself. Most for the good...but other things not so good.

I'll deal with the bad first and end my post with the happy side of being on these medications. I am paranoid all the time that everyone is mad at me. Like my husband, like my friends, even my mom. I am constantly second guessing that my hubby is not upset with me. I feel like I am going crazy!
Also, my libido...GONE! No sex drive whatsoever and whenever hubby wants it I lose interest halfway through, or just get angry that he wants to have sex! Anger?!?! WTF?? That's not supposed to happen.  I just don't see the need to have sex. I would much rather cuddle and snuggle up together. I more so enjoy his company now rather than need him to show me he loves me in a physical intimate way. Granted I know I will need sex sooner or later but it is almost nice not having the desire constantly and being content with being held. So it's not so much bad as it is unusual but I could live without anger during sex. Another bad thing is I am unable to shed tears. Well I mean if I hurt myself I can tear up. But in order to get my feelings out I have always cried in the past and now it feels like I cannot cry for more than 5 minutes. I know what person in their right mind would want to cry for more than 5 minutes? But I mean like a release type of crying. I can't do it. It's like I'll start and then within 5 minutes the feeling passes and I just stop. I don't like the almost numb feeling I get.

Now onto the good things. Well I am back to school as of this week and taking the Zyprexa at night before bed. Not only am I more functional at school but I am really more functional around the house. I cook, I clean and when I mean clean I mean not the  half assed way I used to clean. I scrub, I clean, I make sure I do all the nooks and crannies, I even do the KITTY LITTER. Something I never ever do. But last night I astounded myself and I think I shocked my husband. For I started, prepped, cooked, served an amazing meal of pork, mashed potatoes and veggies. And then I cleaned up afterwards!!!! I impressed him so much he didn't hound me to make LO's bottles. Which is something he does on a regular basis and I understand why..he wants me to pitch in and pull my weight around here. I get it.

It feels amazing to be a mom who does things rather than just sit on the couch in a mopey mood. And I am excelling in school and loving every minute of doing it. I jsut hope this lasts because although there are a few downfalls to being on this medication, being a functional member of society has made me feel absolutely amazing!!!!

First post of 2012!!!

Ah!! Happy New Year! *whistles* *fireworks* Alas, I was not awake to ring in the new year as with only 30 minutes left to go I passed right out while snuggled up to hubby watching Hercules. And I must say I was impressed to wake up without any robots, flying cars, and the rapture had not bestowed itself upon us. Take that! 2012 is going to be my year and I know for damn sure nothing is going to stand in my way of making it happen!

I don't really have much to write right now and I am making dinner at the moment. Delicious dinner pork roast, mashed potatoes and veggies with Swiss Chalet sauce as our gravy. And I am in the company of the most handsomest man in the world. Well I like to think so. 

Tomorrow it is going to be 50 below freezing...well not really but pretty damn close...ok it will be -25 but in my defense that's halfway to -50!!!!! So I will be braving the elements as I trudge off to school in the arctic weather. Ahaha!

Bottom Line: 2012 is gonna ROCK!